Grand Marshal Richard Skaggs announced that New York City’s famed April 1st Parade would be held despite concerns that the Republican Guard’s Medina Division elephant corps would wreck city streets.

Mr. Skaggs assured wary city officials that the “two thousand elephants will not damage the streets, because they have been specially bred with “lite” legs and small feet that do not harm pavements.”

The Medina Division’s famous elephant drill team will perform its ‘Saddam is Our Precious Guardian’ close order drill in Columbus Circle, again in Times Square, and a third time at the end of the parade route in Battery Park. The eight hundred elephant team, as it wheels and prances to the tune of “Uday Me My Melancholy Baby” is considered one of the seven wonders of the world.

The elephants consume sixty tons of hay and fourteen thousand Hershey bars each day.

Elephants with “lite” legs are not one of the experiments that could change the world.

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