A group of fifteen chimpanics entered Manhattan?s famedFedora City hatshop this morning and ate thirty-five strawhats, including Panamas worth in excess of $500.00 each.Headwear Diplomate Ann Sothern said that ?they seemed veryexcited when they came in, attempting to try on derbies,fedoras and tophats, but their head sizes were not coveredby our stock. That was when they ate all of our straws.?

A clerk who tried to protect the Panamas was hit in the headwith a large papaya that one of the chimpanics was carrying.He was treated for shock and a mild concussion at St.Vincent?s Hospital and released. Police were called, butrefused to act. ?This is normal chimpanic behavior,? Policechimpanic rights expert Dennis Hastert explained. ?It is nota crime for these people to act in this manner. The shopwill have to eat the cost of the hats and try to serve itscustomers in a more sensitive way in the future. Ifchimpanics were assaulted or demeaned in any way, there willbe arrests.?

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