Prominent radio talk show host George Noory has announcedthat he has actually been broadcasting from Mars ?formonths.? Noory is unsure about how he ended up on the redplanet. ?I may have interviewed one abductee too many,? isone theory he offered during an interview with CNN?s BillO?Reilly. While NASA has managed to get a picture of Nooryfrom one of its rovers, the space agency has said that aticket home will cost the talk show host three billiondollars, and he cannot be picked up for at least twentyyears, even if he pays in advance. His network declinedto comment on whether or not they would purchase the ticketfor him. ?He sounds just fine,?
Dr. Albert S. Meinheimer of the National Academy of SciencesCommission for Primate Affairs has confirmed that chimpanzeeand human DNA are actually identical. ?The chimp is a humanbeing with a different lifestyle,? Dr. Meinheimer explainedto an emergency assembly of zoo and laboratory directorsthat was convened by the White House Commission on HumanRights to expedite the release of these people into society.
Chimpanzees may no longer be called ?chimps? but must bereferred to as ?chimpanics,? explained Supreme Court JusticeRuth Bader Ginzberg. ?Chimpanics are covered under existinghuman rights and access legislation, meaning that they mustbe accommodated just like anybody else,? Justice Ginzbergwent on to warn.
A riot broke out in the lobby of the Lucky Star Hotel inShanghai after forty American tourists awoke to discoverthat surgically skilled thieves had stolen their facesduring the night. The distraught tourists, some of themwearing pillowcases over their heads, others with exposedfacial musculature, glittering teeth and glaring eyes,hammered hotel staff senseless as they demanded the returnof their faces. But Chinese authorities claimed that thefaceless Americans were simply due new faces, not thespecific faces that they lost. ?I can?t leave Des Moines anAmerican woman and come back a Chinese man,? one outragedvictim huffed.
Famed alien implant expert Dr. Roger Leir has announced thatan apparent ?nanoufo? that flew into his home has gone downthe throat of his daughter?s parakeet and not come out. ?Wegot the entire incident on videotape,? Dr. Leir told NewYork Times? UFO editor Leslie Keane. The authenticity of thetape was confirmed by famed saucer expert and MacArthurFoundation Genius Award winner Randi Zwingle. Dr. Zwinglesaid, ?the bird no longer cheeps like a parakeet, but rathermakes sounds like something very small backfiring, and emitsa thin stream of purple smoke from its nostrils.? Dr.Zwingle added, ?the UFO was too small to actually be visibleon the tape, but that?s irrelevant.?