I have been very hesitant to write about what has been happening in my life recently. I have left a partial record in the "Awakening" talks in our subscriber area, but have not described the depth, intimacy or the absolute sense of reality that accompany these experiences. The reason that I haven’t done it is that they involve contacts with Anne. Now, one might say that it’s important to make a record because it empowers others. That’s only partially true. I have a number of friends who have lost loved ones and are grieving. But none of them have had experiences anything close to what is going on between me and Anne, and stories like this have a tendency to deepen grief, in two ways. First, the person thinks ‘why doesn’t that happen to me?’ and feels sad. Second, they try the various techniques I and other offer, don’t get any results and decide that there is something wrong with them, or that their loved one has simply moved on.
The truth is that I don’t know why this happens to some people and not to others. I have been meditating daily for most of my adult life, and I am pretty sure that has something to do with it. But what about those who have done the same and don’t have any contact with anything except their own inner lives? I cannot explain it.
In my books, I’ve advanced various theories about why I’m like this, but they are just theories or, even less, speculations. I had a devastatingly difficult babyhood and early childhood, full of pain. I was somehow abused in an odd program that I think was part of MK-ULTRA, but no MK-ULTRA files involving children have ever been released, so I cannot be sure. I have many wonderful memories of contact with the visitors in my childhood, which I have memorialized in the Secret School. But how much of that is memory and how much imagination, and how do you separate the two? I don’t know.
But perhaps Anne’s theory that the shattering of expectations opens the mind and eyes to see things that we normally filter out is the best idea.
So, to those who are grieving and do not and apparently cannot experience what I experience, reflect that you also don’t have to live with the horrific memories that have colored my whole life and suffer, at the unconscious level, recollections of trauma that you cannot access directly, but that make you wary of others in ways that have fundamentally diminished your enjoyment of human company. I am not speaking here of the close encounter experience, but rather of very early childhood difficulties that started with my mother’s inability to make milk, and the fact that I was fed on formula that caused me great physical pain.
I was incredibly lucky that my wife fell so in love with me that she was willing to simply yell and scream until she broke through the barrier and reached the tender, hurt part inside and healed it with her embrace. I responded with absolute love and loyalty.
In the subscriber area, in Awakening 18, I describe a very powerful contact with Anne that happened starting on the 11th. In it, I found myself sitting on the bottom step of a stairway in a library. On a balcony at the top was Anne, looking at books. Now, I say "experience" rather than "dream" because I had been meditating at 5:30 AM when this happened. But I would not qualify it as a physical experience, but rather as an opening of my awareness into an objective and very real world that is not physical, but reflects the physical and is right here where we are.
I found myself holding in my hands a typescript of perhaps ten single-spaced pages. I recognized the typing, because for many years I have seen as if in a slit window in my left eye typed words racing past as I write. While I generally cannot read these words as they pass too fast, I think that they do enter my texts. The more important the texts are to the visitors, the more intense and fast the script. I have assumed that it has to do with my implant and I welcome it and use it as best I can.
I realized at once that the typescript I was holding was the whole of this material visible in full pages rather than in single lines. I looked up at Anne, and for a moment thought that I had gone back in time to when she looked like she did now, and I found myself hoping that we could relive physical life together, this time with knowledge of our futures. I thought that such an experience would be of incalculable value because of how enriching it would be. Subsequently, I’ve understood that we can do this if we wish, but if in the physical, not here.
I looked down at the script. It was the narrative of my life, from beginning to end. I understood the way a person’s creative output reflects their life experience, and how it was that it would be useful for me to see these words as I write. It wasn’t the visitors telling me what to write. It was this narrative, which I composed myself prior to birth, being delivered to me in order that my writing would not deviate from my life plan.
I saw my past described in astonishing detail. My future was there, too, but not so exactly described. I read it knowing that I could not keep it in my brain-memory, and that it is not in soul-memory, but more like an etching on the flesh of my soul. When I realized this, and also that if I was no longer here in the physical, we could go to a world where the living and the dead do not have the barrier of time between them, I wanted to just take off right now.
Anne said, "when you die, it must be for all the right reasons." As, indeed, was true when she left this physical world.
The next day, a great deal more happened, and I will continue this journal with a part two soon.