I have not added a journal entry in months. The reason is that I have been at a loss about what to say. But I’m going to try, at least to put down a few paragraphs about what’s been happening to me. Outwardly, I’ve been living my life, writing, working on this website, interacting with friends, all the usual things.
Inwardly, though, something has changed and is still changing. My difficulty is that it’s so very hard to put into words. Also, as time goes on, I get more and more reticent. I don’t think I’m becoming a hermit, but it’s a struggle not to do what I have seen so many close encounter witnesses do, which is to turn entirely toward their experience and close the door on the outside world.
I love the outside world, and I think that I’m meant to be a worldwalker, which is why I have had so much experience lavished on me. I cannot say how grateful I am, or how hard it is to do this.
The enormous, overriding problem is language. Words, Sentences, the whole structure of the thing. It does not reflect the reality I’m experiencing, and I know that many of you who come to Unknowncountry because you have the same sorts of life experiences that I do will know exactly what I mean.
Anyway, I am going to try to chronicle a few things. First, I’d like to say something about life and death. They don’t have the same meaning to me that they once did. Death isn’t a mystery anymore, but rather I see it as another part of the art of being. What happens is this: during life, we take experience in. We are in an active state. After the life is finished, we enter a passive, or contemplative state. It’s breath. Life is breathing in. Death is breathing out. Two sides of a triad: life is the active side, death the passive.
However, there is a third side to every triangle, and that’s what the change of being that I’m experiencing is about. Active and passive energies are easy to perceive, but we are third force blind, and this is the essence of the human predicament.
So what is this ‘third force’ that is neither active nor passive but can create balance between the two? As there are an infinite number of triads, there are also an infinite number of manifestations of balance, most of them fleeing and essentially automatic, touched only briefly as we slip randomly between active and passive life states.
Being is larger than either the physical or the nonphysical state, but it bears reference to both and is infused in both. What has been happening to me is that I’m beginning to be in both states at the same time, which has been true for some time, but is true now in a much more clear way. It isn’t that I am literally both alive and dead, but rather that I am living this life while remembering my past before I came to it, and knowing how I am unfolding now not only as I move along my physical timeline, but I am also seeing into the conscious world that suffuses and surrounds the physical, but is not contained by it.
The Sphinx is the key to understanding this state. It has the strength of a bull, the courage of a lion and the intelligence of a man. When the three parts work together–active courage and passive strength being balanced by neutral and harmonizing intelligence–then it spreads its wings and soars aloft like and eagle.
This feels like a state of objectivity. One looks down not only on what is transpiring in the active, living state, but also what waits in the passive state that we call death, but which is not death at all, and very far from the nothingness that we imagine and dread. In other words, there is a condition of being that transcends life and death. It is this that I am tasting now.
One thing that I find interesting about it–one of many–is that, as I enter deeply into the state, I seem to actually change physically. I can feel this, as if my body is becoming a kind of energy and is not entirely material. I was in such a state in March one evening while meditating. The sense of the presence of fourth mind was so palpable that I picked up my phone and snapped a picture of myself, just to see if the sensation that I felt around my head–as if I was materially both inside and outside myself at the same time–might be recordable. The picture above is the result.
More recently, in late May, I began to feel as if Anne and I were not alone in this place. There was somebody else here, whom we could not see. I have a small automatic camera, which I set up on the night of May 28. It was motion sensitive. I set it to take images in our bedroom, just above the bed so that our movements in sleep would not activate it.
The next morning, I not only discovered that it had gone off a number of times, I found that the clips contained what look like moving orbs or bits of dust, as if there was air moving in the room. But there wasn’t. The windows were closed and it was absolutely still. Not only that, specks of dust wouldn’t have activated the camera, but something certainly did. On prior nights, the camera took video only when one of us got up and moved around in the room.
Even stranger, the camera ceased to work after that. The battery was drained even though I’d charged it the night before, and it could never again be recharged. So all I was left with was the microdisk with the images on it. (Log in to see one of the videos. It’s typical of the group.)
The next night, I had what I would describe as a moment of gnosis, in the form of a dream. In it, I found myself looking into a well. The water was perfectly clear, but the bottom of the well was covered in silt. Anne and I wanted something that was there, and were trying to locate it so we could drop a hook and bring it up.
The next thing I knew, the water went down and two horrific creatures appeared, looming up out of the well with their teeth bared. Anne was safe behind me, but I couldn’t back away from them. They were going to devour me–and yet…not. They seemed soft and somehow unable to actually reach me.
I then woke up and saw three dark, blocky figures standing beside the bed. Of course, I was absolutely terrified, and thrust out my hand, slapping at them. The three of them at once disappeared, and I felt my hand slap against something soft, like a smooth bald head, which immediately slipped out of my grasp.
I experienced a powerful moment of knowing that has extended, and has become me. I look, act and physically feel the same. But I am not the same.
What I want to leave you with is the idea that we should think of ourselves in terms of the overarching being that we actually are, not simply as a living body. We are here in the physical world inhaling the breath of experience. We are enacting life plans we have intentionally hidden from ourselves so that we will react to the experiences we have not out of our knowledge, but out of our deep personal truth. Thus, when we are in the contemplative state that we the living refer to as death, we will be observing our lives, and integrating the energy we have retained in the form of essence-memories into our larger selves.
I have seen a few other things. First, we are not a ‘species’ that evolved on Earth. We are the product of a very advanced science of our own devising, engaged in a deep practice of energy management, breathing experience in when we are in the flesh, then releasing the energy when we are not.
This place is not natural–or rather, our place in it is not natural. The human species is not only an outcome of natural selection, it has been interfered with and elements of design added. Specifically, we have done the interfering. We have created mankind as a mechanism of evolution. Ours has been a much longer journey than we realize.
We are an enormously complex, profoundly conscious and deeply lonely presence that emerges out of endlessness and slips away into the infinite. We are searching for freedom of a kind that is almost impossible to imagine–for ecstasy, in the end, that is absolutely pure and absolutely authentic–in short, that is perfectly true.
We are our own bright angels and our own dark gods. There is nobody here but us, but when I say that, you must release your imagination as best you are able, to glimpse from the vantage point of the physical, the poignant, searching immensity that is being.