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News organizations worldwide have received an ?accidental? release of Mars Rover imagery from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory that independent scientists are suggesting not only confirm that there was life on Mars, but also that it had reached a much higher level of development than previously thought.

JPL said that the imagery was not being kept ?under wraps,? but rather that, given the fact that the artifacts appear to be ?nothing but a bunch of pool balls,? the life forms involved in creating them ?could not have been advanced enough to be of any scientific interest.?
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The head chicken wrangler on President Bush?s Crawford, Texas ranch has resigned after only three years in office. ?I am sick and tired of trying to convince hell-raising foreign dignitaries that this is not THAT kind of a chicken ranch,?said wrangler Kenneth Starr. ?I was better off practicing law,? he continued, referring to his previous career as a prosecutor. Mr. Starr?s longtime friend and associate, former president Bill Clinton, said ?I could have told them boththat a presidential chicken ranch would be a mistake. I mean, you cannot get these foreign boys to slow down, or to understand a damn word you say.?
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President George Bush today revealed that he has had a secret life for many years as an expert brain scientist. “Yes, I’ve published over a hundred papers in the area of brain science,” the President said on his way to Camp David this morning.

Some of the president?s most well-received efforts are “Anterior Cingulate Cortex Dysfunction in Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Revealed by MRI and the Counting Stroop,” published in Biological Psychiatry, vol. 45, no. 12, June 15, 1999, pp. 1542-52, and “Short-latency Compensatory Eye Movements Associated with a Brief Period of Free Fall,” authored along with F. Miles in Experimental Brain Research, vol. 108, no. 2, March 1996, pp. 337-40.
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Authorities are threatening to close one of Great Britain’s most famous zoos after it was revealed that it is breeding genetically altered Kodiak Bears in order to sell their paws into the Chinese aphrodisiac market.

Bear paw soup is prized even above the skin of the White Rhino as an enhancement to male potency in China. Among cognoscenti, the eating of the actual paw itself is preferred to any drinking of soup. “The soup is for the sissy,” one user said, “it’s the paw that counts.”

Bear paw restaurants across China sell the paws in a “sandwich” between two rice dough pancakes, flavored with Hosin Sauce.
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