Texas governor Rick Perry today signed into law the entiretyof the Bible?s Book of Leviticus after it passed both housesof the legislature by more than two-thirds majorities.Meanwhile, Congressman Tom DeLay forced a mandatorykneel-down prayer meeting in the U.S. Congress to givethanks for this first enactment of Leviticus. The book isbeing incorporated into legislation in fourteen statesnationwide, and legislatures have been racing to see who canmake it law first.
Immediately after the signing, the Texas governor privatelyremoved and then publicly burned the cotton-polyesterleisure suit he had worn to the ceremony. It was replacedwith an all-polyester leisure suit.
The Texas Gulf shrimp industry is being sent to Louisianaand all Red Lobster outlets in Texas have been sold to theBlack Eyed Pea restaurant chain. Shrimp, lobster andshellfish are being removed from supermarkets along withpork. Wearing his ?other Stetson? as a lobbyist for the beefindustry, Governor Perry explained that beef would not beconsidered unclean even if was not actually clean. Locusts,katydids, crickets and grasshoppers are expected to replaceshrimp and lobster on the plates of Texans.
Separately, all sitting Texas juries were told to beginreading Leviticus during trials at once, and to applyappropriate biblical law in addition to establishedpenalties. State prosecutors were ordered to drop anypending or current prosecutions of crimes not mentioned inLeviticus, and it was announced that members of dulyestablished Christian bible churches would be required onlyto make restitution and sacrifice as required in the bookfor any crimes they may commit. All charges againstCongressman DeLay, whether pending, contemplated, or simplypossible, have been found to not be mentioned in Leviticusand have been proactively dropped, according to Travis CountDistrict Attorney Ronnie Earle, who instead has indictedhimself for whipping up trouble for the congressman. ?Godhas led me to become a Republican,? Mr. Earle said.
Mandatory weekly unpleasant bird detestation sessions arescheduled to be introduced in public schools throughout thestate, commencing immediately. The eagle, the vulture, theblack vulture, red and black kites, ravens, owls, gulls,hawks, cormorants, ospreys, storks, herons, hoopoes and batswill be detested for half an hour per week by allschoolchildren, by cries and imprecations. Detestation willbe required whether birds are present or not.
When pet dogs and cats, which walk on paws, die, theircarcasses may not be touched by Texans unless requiredritual cleansing takes place under police supervision theevening of the day the cadaver handling occurs.
Persons with skin diseases will be required to report toclergy for evaluation prior to any medical treatment. Oncemedically cured, they must shave off all their hair and willnot be allowed to enter buildings, including their ownhomes, for a week after clerical officials confirm the cure.They may not sleep in boxes or tents.
Seventy-three hog farmers and an apparent Democrat whoattempted to mount a protest on the steps of the statecapitol died of heart attacks while being arrested.
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