On:

A riot broke out in the lobby of the Lucky Star Hotel inShanghai after forty American tourists awoke to discoverthat surgically skilled thieves had stolen their facesduring the night. The distraught tourists, some of themwearing pillowcases over their heads, others with exposedfacial musculature, glittering teeth and glaring eyes,hammered hotel staff senseless as they demanded the returnof their faces. But Chinese authorities claimed that thefaceless Americans were simply due new faces, not thespecific faces that they lost. ?I can?t leave Des Moines anAmerican woman and come back a Chinese man,? one outragedvictim huffed.
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Famed alien implant expert Dr. Roger Leir has announced thatan apparent ?nanoufo? that flew into his home has gone downthe throat of his daughter?s parakeet and not come out. ?Wegot the entire incident on videotape,? Dr. Leir told NewYork Times? UFO editor Leslie Keane. The authenticity of thetape was confirmed by famed saucer expert and MacArthurFoundation Genius Award winner Randi Zwingle. Dr. Zwinglesaid, ?the bird no longer cheeps like a parakeet, but rathermakes sounds like something very small backfiring, and emitsa thin stream of purple smoke from its nostrils.? Dr.Zwingle added, ?the UFO was too small to actually be visibleon the tape, but that?s irrelevant.?
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A group of fifteen chimpanics entered Manhattan?s famedFedora City hatshop this morning and ate thirty-five strawhats, including Panamas worth in excess of $500.00 each.Headwear Diplomate Ann Sothern said that ?they seemed veryexcited when they came in, attempting to try on derbies,fedoras and tophats, but their head sizes were not coveredby our stock. That was when they ate all of our straws.?
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Soup made from the common bat has been found to possiblydiminish the effects of bird flu, andthe White House has announced that the National Institutesof Health will be enforcing twice-weekly consumption of batsoup by all Americans. NIH Enforcement Director GeneralEmilio M. Vargas says that bats must be steeped for aminimum of 30 minutes, and the soup eaten in the morningwhen its effect is most pronounced. He warns that Americanswill be ?checked to be sure this is being done.?
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