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Time Traveler Trades Stocks? Don't Invest in It!

Federal investigators have arrested investor Andrew Carlssin, who claims to be a time traveler from the year 2256, and says this is why he's had such incredible success in the stock market. The Security and Exchange Commission says, "We don't believe this guy's story?he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar. But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck. The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

Despite a downturn in the stock market, Carlssin invested in 126 high-risk stocks that went up every time, making the SEC suspicious. A spokesman says, "If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance."

Carlssin's explanation for his success? He?s traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future. "It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin says. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In order to prove his statement, Carlssin has offered to divulge historical facts, such as the hiding place of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS. He wants to return to his "time craft," but he refuses to reveal its location or how it works, because the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

One SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

We've looked up Carlssin's name on the SEC website, and can find no evidence he ever existed at all, so this may be an urban legend. But it sure is a good one.

Anything can be possible once you've freed yourself to think in a new way.

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