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Noory Broadcasting from Mars

Prominent radio talk show host George Noory has announcedthat he has actually been broadcasting from Mars ?formonths.? Noory is unsure about how he ended up on the redplanet. ?I may have interviewed one abductee too many,? isone theory he offered during an interview with CNN?s BillO?Reilly. While NASA has managed to get a picture of Nooryfrom...

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DNA Proves Chimps to be Human

Dr. Albert S. Meinheimer of the National Academy of SciencesCommission for Primate Affairs has confirmed that chimpanzeeand human DNA are actually identical. ?The chimp is a humanbeing with a different lifestyle,? Dr. Meinheimer explainedto an emergency assembly of zoo and laboratory directorsthat was convened by the White House Commission on...

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Face Theft New Travelers Terror

A riot broke out in the lobby of the Lucky Star Hotel inShanghai after forty American tourists awoke to discoverthat surgically skilled thieves had stolen their facesduring the night. The distraught tourists, some of themwearing pillowcases over their heads, others with exposedfacial musculature, glittering teeth and glaring eyes,hammered hotel...

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Parakeet Swallows Tiny UFO

Famed alien implant expert Dr. Roger Leir has announced thatan apparent ?nanoufo? that flew into his home has gone downthe throat of his daughter?s parakeet and not come out. ?Wegot the entire incident on videotape,? Dr. Leir told NewYork Times? UFO editor Leslie Keane. The authenticity of thetape was confirmed by famed saucer expert and...

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Exclusive Store Annoys Chimpanic Customers

A group of fifteen chimpanics entered Manhattan?s famedFedora City hatshop this morning and ate thirty-five strawhats, including Panamas worth in excess of $500.00 each.Headwear Diplomate Ann Sothern said that ?they seemed veryexcited when they came in, attempting to try on derbies,fedoras and tophats, but their head sizes were not coveredby...

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NIH to Enforce Bat Soup Consumption

Soup made from the common bat has been found to possiblydiminish the effects of bird flu, andthe White House has announced that the National Institutesof Health will be enforcing twice-weekly consumption of batsoup by all Americans. NIH Enforcement Director GeneralEmilio M. Vargas says that bats must be steeped for aminimum of 30 minutes, and...

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