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News Stories relating to "aprila"

Tests Reveal McCain is Black and Barack Admits, 'I'm White.'

After famed race expert Dr.Max Mosley revealed that Republican presidential candidateJohn McCain is actually black, Democratic contender BarackObama said, "Dr. Mosley raided my hairpiece for DNA twoweeks ago, so I?mjust going to go ahead and admit that I?m white.? Mr. Obamasaid that he was tired of appearing in blackface, explainingthat ?it...

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Hillary: 'I'm an Octoroon'

As the stunning news of the Obama/McCain race changes spedacross the wires, Hillary Clinton?s team carried out franticblood tests which have revealed that she?s one-eighth black,or, as used to be stated on public records in Louisiana, ?anOctoroon.? ?As an Octoroon, I want the American people toknow that I stand proud for all the races that make...

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Pope Canonizes Cheese

As part of the Catholic Church's new "fast track"canonization process, Pope Benedict has accidentallycanonized aSt.Andre cheese. The powdery, pale skin of the cheese wasmistaken for the mummified face of the saint, and, followingVatican tradition, it has now been placed in a reliquary forveneration by the faithful. Pilgrims wishing to pray at...

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Strieber Implant Burns

The implant in Whitley Strieber's left ear that uses mindcontrol to force him to continuously talk about it burstinto flames on Monday and burned to the ground. Now it'sgone and he has no further reason to mention it in any waywhatsoever for any reason. Strieber was once again tellingfriends over dinner about the implant when it made acrackling...

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Genital Fire Outrages Surgery Patient

Surgeons in Denmark accidentally set fire to a patient'sgenitals while doing routine surgery to remove a mole on hisleft buttock, local authorities in Kjellerup report. The 30year old man had an attack of flatulence during the surgery,which led to a flash fire that ignited surgical spirits onhis genitals. The man said, "when I woke up, my penis...

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Papal Palm Sunday Procession Gets Lost

For seven hundred years, the annual papal Palm Sundayprocession has followed approximately the same route, butthis year the pope took a wrong turn, leading thousands downalleys, through a coffee bar and into a rail yard, where theprocession degenerated into a chaos of waving palm frondsand sheep, which escaped from a stopped cattle train in...

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NASA Announces Moon Going Flat

NASA scientists announced yesterday that cracks have opened up in the moon, causing the leakage of millions of tons of methane gas trapped inside. As the process continues, surprised witnesses in polar regions, who see the moon from a slightly different angle than most viewers, are observing an unusual sight: the moon is getting flatter.

...
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White Elephant Causes Witch Doctor Riot

Kenyan alternative medical practitioners rioted in Mombasa yesterday when an elephant prophesied in the Kolebe Artifactual Writings, a collection of witch doctor prophecies dating from 32,821 BCE, or possibly authored by Aleister Crowley somewhat more recently, galloped down Lumumba Road in the center of the city.

The appearance of the...

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Mars Spheres Confirm Evidence of Advanced Life

News organizations worldwide have received an ?accidental? release of Mars Rover imagery from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory that independent scientists are suggesting not only confirm that there was life on Mars, but also that it had reached a much higher level of development than previously thought.

JPL said that the imagery was not...

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Crawford Chicken Wrangler Quits

The head chicken wrangler on President Bush?s Crawford, Texas ranch has resigned after only three years in office. ?I am sick and tired of trying to convince hell-raising foreign dignitaries that this is not THAT kind of a chicken ranch,?said wrangler Kenneth Starr. ?I was better off practicing law,? he continued, referring to his previous...

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President's Secret Life Revealed

President George Bush today revealed that he has had a secret life for many years as an expert brain scientist. "Yes, I've published over a hundred papers in the area of brain science," the President said on his way to Camp David this morning.

Some of the president?s most well-received efforts are "Anterior Cingulate Cortex Dysfunction...

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Bear Paw Export Outrage Shocks UK

Authorities are threatening to close one of Great Britain's most famous zoos after it was revealed that it is breeding genetically altered Kodiak Bears in order to sell their paws into the Chinese aphrodisiac market.

Bear paw soup is prized even above the skin of the White Rhino as an enhancement to male potency in China. Among...

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Debunkers Call UFO 'Exploding Cat'

Residents of Lardal, Norway observed a UFO near power lines and reported it to local police. After an investigation of the area, authorities have dismissed the sighting as an exploding housecat.

The cat allegedly exploded after climbing an electrical pylon and stepping on a live electrical line. One witness said, "a huge fireball...

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New York Parade Scheduled Despite War

Grand Marshal Richard Skaggs announced that New York City's famed April 1st Parade would be held despite concerns that the Republican Guard's Medina Division elephant corps would wreck city streets.

Mr. Skaggs assured wary city officials that the "two thousand elephants will not damage the streets, because they have been specially bred...

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White House Announces Bush Conversion

George Walker Bush, the 43rd President of the United States has announced his conversion to Islam and taken the Islamic name Tariq Ali. ?I?ve gotten to know many members of the Islamic community recently,? Bush explained, ?and I just thought I?d give it a try. We need to be more ecumenical in our approach.?

Mr. Bush has also stated that...

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T-Rex was Tool User

Peter Larson of the Black Hills Institute of GeologicalResearch in Hill City, South Dakota, whose group first found ?Sue,? the most complete Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton yet discovered, has announced that she could not have survived into old age without "complex social behaviour such as spousal care."

?Sue? had suffered fractures to the...

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White House Announces Cheney to be First Human Cloned

Calling it?s previous position against human cloning ?a mistake,? the Bush Administration has announced that Vice-President Dick Cheny is to be the first human being to be cloned. The Vice-President is said to be ?excited? by the prospect of being duplicated. It is anticipated that the clone will grow to maturity in about two years, as it will...

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Glenn Confirms Frasier Statement

Retired Senator John Glenn has confirmed to reporters that the statement he made on the Frasier television program to the effect that he had ?seen things? during his Gemini mission was correct.

The Senator was said to be 'confused' to discover that Frasier is a situation comedy. ?The senator saw a news desk and microphones, and...

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Leir Implants Eaten by Daughter

Dr. Roger Leir's daughter Chrissie has eaten all nine of the alien implants that he has removed from patients over the past three years.

The child, 5, was rushed to a local hospital, where she was found to be in good health. Attempts to X-ray her stomach failed after all six X-ray machines in the hospital broke down during her testing...

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FBI Sues Chrysler Over 'Unibomb' Name

Federal Bureau of Investigation spokesman Lester Headair told reporters today the the Bureau has filed a trademark infringement suit against the Daimler/Chrysler Corp. for itsuse of the name "Unibomb" for its new giant SUV.

The Daimler/Chrysler Unibomb is twenty feet high, fifty feet long and holds a hundred and fifty gallons of fuel. It...

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