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DNA Proves Chimps to be Human

Dr. Albert S. Meinheimer of the National Academy of SciencesCommission for Primate Affairs has confirmed that chimpanzeeand human DNA are actually identical. ?The chimp is a humanbeing with a different lifestyle,? Dr. Meinheimer explainedto an emergency assembly of zoo and laboratory directorsthat was convened by the White House Commission on HumanRights to expedite the release of these people into society.

Chimpanzees may no longer be called ?chimps? but must bereferred to as ?chimpanics,? explained Supreme Court JusticeRuth Bader Ginzberg. ?Chimpanics are covered under existinghuman rights and access legislation, meaning that they mustbe accommodated just like anybody else,? Justice Ginzbergwent on to warn.

Justice Department attorney Bruce Wayne announced that theFBI would be enforcing the immediate release of allchimpanics from captivity in the United States, and U.S.United Nations Ambassador John Bolton stated that ?it is thePresident?s wish that the United States bring the issue ofchimpanic rights up before the Security Council. Chimpanicsworldwide must be released into normal society immediately.?

All American chimpanics are in the process of beingidentified and issued social security numbers. Chimpanicchildren are expected to be mainstreamed into schools acrossthe country, under provisions of the ?No Child Left BehindLaw.? School systems found isolating them in special classeswill be punished by the withdrawal of federal funds.

Bronx Zoo Chimpanic Affairs Associate (formerly Monkey Housecleaner) George Moppett says, ?our bars are down and ourchimpanics are free to come and go as they please. Most ofthem are still using the zoo as home base, but one troupehas already moved to Manhattan.?

It is expected that laboratories and zoos will havecompleted the nationwide release of chimpanics by the end ofthe week.

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