News Stories

Artificial Penis Escapes from Lab

A robotic penis being tested at the government?s HumanAnalytics Facility in Orange County, California hasdisappeared. Officials said that the electrically poweredprosthetic has an internal guidance system, and may haveleft on its own after a power surge caused by a thunderstormmoving through the area deranged its onboard computer.

Lab director Dr. Michael Merkin said that he?s concerned forthe safety of anybody who stole the penis, or comes intocontact with it. ?This is a powerful device,? he said, ?andcould be very dangerous if it falls into unskilled hands.?

Federal agents are combing the area in search of the penis.A house to house search has thus far failed to turn up theartificial organ. A crew utilizing special infrared sensingequipment has been dispatched by helicopter, but report thatthey are unable to distinguish the heat signature of thepenis from above because it is too similar to that of baldpedestrians.

Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger of California invoked hisemergency powers to force bald men to either wear hats orremain off the streets for the duration of the emergency.?We must all co-operate together during this emergency,? thegovernor said, ?even though we are Californians.?

According to lab officials the penis has been classified ?atthe highest levels? under the National Security Act. Theycould not say why. In addition to state and local police,over three hundred members of the White House Secret Servicedetail were involved in the search. A Secret Servicespokesman declined to comment.

As a result of Freedom of Information Act requests, liberalgovernment critic Tom DeLay (not related) has learned thatthe penis grew out of a cigar smoking machine that had beenbuilt for the California governor and his staff to preventthem from having to extinguish and thus ruin expensivecigars when they temporarily left smoking areas to work. Themachine was developed at a cost of 135 million dollars, butscrapped because it could only smoke 10 cigars at a time,and the governor has more than 10 cigar smoking staffmembers. ?It could not be reconciled with equal opportunitystatutes and the special interests forced us to get rid ofit,? the Governor commented. Sources say that it also wheezed.

To create the penis, the cigar smoking machine was combinedwith a computer chip and body parts removed from a belugawhale that was swept ashore during a recent typhoon thatstruck Carmel, California. The storm also leveled 58 of thetown?s 417 art galleries.

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