Robot Penis
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A robotic penis being tested at the government?s Human
Analytics Facility in Orange County, California has
disappeared. Officials said that the electrically powered
prosthetic has an internal guidance system, and may have
left on its own after a power surge caused by a thunderstorm
moving through the area deranged its onboard computer.
Lab director Dr. Michael Merkin said that he?s concerned for
the safety of anybody who stole the penis, or comes into
contact with it. ?This is a powerful device,? he said, ?and
could be very dangerous if it falls into unskilled hands.?
Federal agents are combing the area in search of the penis.
A house to house search has thus far failed to turn up the
artificial organ. A crew utilizing special infrared sensing
equipment has been dispatched by helicopter, but report that
they are unable to distinguish the heat signature of the
penis from above because it is too similar to that of bald
pedestrians.
Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger of California invoked his
emergency powers to force bald men to either wear hats or
remain off the streets for the duration of the emergency.
?We must all co-operate together during this emergency,? the
governor said, ?even though we are Californians.?
According to lab officials the penis has been classified ?at
the highest levels? under the National Security Act. They
could not say why. In addition to state and local police,
over three hundred members of the White House Secret Service
detail were involved in the search. A Secret Service
spokesman declined to comment.
As a result of Freedom of Information Act requests, liberal
government critic Tom DeLay (not related) has learned that
the penis grew out of a cigar smoking machine that had been
built for the California governor and his staff to prevent
them from having to extinguish and thus ruin expensive
cigars when they temporarily left smoking areas to work. The
machine was developed at a cost of 135 million dollars, but
scrapped because it could only smoke 10 cigars at a time,
and the governor has more than 10 cigar smoking staff
members. ?It could not be reconciled with equal opportunity
statutes and the special interests forced us to get rid of
it,? the Governor commented. Sources say that it also wheezed.
To create the penis, the cigar smoking machine was combined
with a computer chip and body parts removed from a beluga
whale that was swept ashore during a recent typhoon that
struck Carmel, California. The storm also leveled 58 of the
town?s 417 art galleries.
