Texas Law
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Texas governor Rick Perry today signed into law the entirety
of the Bible?s Book of Leviticus after it passed both houses
of the legislature by more than two-thirds majorities.
Meanwhile, Congressman Tom DeLay forced a mandatory
kneel-down prayer meeting in the U.S. Congress to give
thanks for this first enactment of Leviticus. The book is
being incorporated into legislation in fourteen states
nationwide, and legislatures have been racing to see who can
make it law first.
Immediately after the signing, the Texas governor privately
removed and then publicly burned the cotton-polyester
leisure suit he had worn to the ceremony. It was replaced
with an all-polyester leisure suit.
The Texas Gulf shrimp industry is being sent to Louisiana
and all Red Lobster outlets in Texas have been sold to the
Black Eyed Pea restaurant chain. Shrimp, lobster and
shellfish are being removed from supermarkets along with
pork. Wearing his ?other Stetson? as a lobbyist for the beef
industry, Governor Perry explained that beef would not be
considered unclean even if was not actually clean. Locusts,
katydids, crickets and grasshoppers are expected to replace
shrimp and lobster on the plates of Texans.
Separately, all sitting Texas juries were told to begin
reading Leviticus during trials at once, and to apply
appropriate biblical law in addition to established
penalties. State prosecutors were ordered to drop any
pending or current prosecutions of crimes not mentioned in
Leviticus, and it was announced that members of duly
established Christian bible churches would be required only
to make restitution and sacrifice as required in the book
for any crimes they may commit. All charges against
Congressman DeLay, whether pending, contemplated, or simply
possible, have been found to not be mentioned in Leviticus
and have been proactively dropped, according to Travis Count
District Attorney Ronnie Earle, who instead has indicted
himself for whipping up trouble for the congressman. ?God
has led me to become a Republican,? Mr. Earle said.
Mandatory weekly unpleasant bird detestation sessions are
scheduled to be introduced in public schools throughout the
state, commencing immediately. The eagle, the vulture, the
black vulture, red and black kites, ravens, owls, gulls,
hawks, cormorants, ospreys, storks, herons, hoopoes and bats
will be detested for half an hour per week by all
schoolchildren, by cries and imprecations. Detestation will
be required whether birds are present or not.
When pet dogs and cats, which walk on paws, die, their
carcasses may not be touched by Texans unless required
ritual cleansing takes place under police supervision the
evening of the day the cadaver handling occurs.
Persons with skin diseases will be required to report to
clergy for evaluation prior to any medical treatment. Once
medically cured, they must shave off all their hair and will
not be allowed to enter buildings, including their own
homes, for a week after clerical officials confirm the cure.
They may not sleep in boxes or tents.
Seventy-three hog farmers and an apparent Democrat who
attempted to mount a protest on the steps of the state
capitol died of heart attacks while being arrested.
