I have recently made some new friends and I have been
analyzing the process of that strange thing called "friendship."
When I was a child, like most people, I had close friends
whom I never see anymore. In fact, I have no idea what
happened to most of them. Then I had a middle period in my
life when I was very lonely and it seemed like I didn't have
any friends, and I couldn't figure out why.
I think I've figured it out.
But instead of my explaining it, perhaps a story will work
better: I remember when I was once at an outdoor café with
my goddaughter and her mother. My goddaughter has since
grown up to become a lovely young lady, but she was a
teenager then, and filled with all the angst that stage in life
brings.
She left us to go to the ladies room, then returned in a huff.
She said, "There was a woman with three kids, including a
baby in a carriage, and when I said, 'excuse me' in
order to get past her to the sink, she didn't even bother to
reply."
I said to her something along the lines of, "If that woman was
in there with a baby carriage and kids, she was so busy she
didn't even SEE you." I realized that when you're the age
that my goddaughter was then, you're extremely self
conscious and think that everyone is looking at you and
judging you. You see the "arrows of life" aiming in only one
direction: FROM them, TOWARDS you. I told my goddaughter
this and it seemed to help her to view the experience in a
new light.
When we grow up, we realize that the "friendship arrow" has
TWO ends and points BOTH ways. Sometimes one friend will
need help and sometimes the other one will, but unless the
load is shared fairly evenly, the friendship will end, because
the relationship degenerates into all taking on one side and all
giving on the other.
I was at a large dinner party the other night, where I sat
down next to one of the most unpleasant people I've ever
met in my life. Since, like most of us, I've met many truly
unpleasant people over the years, this is really saying
something. Cartoon characters are often depicted
as "sneering," but this man really DID sneer. He also bragged
constantly and flaunted his knowledge even though, since I
supervise a science news website, I realized that most of the
facts he talked about so loudly were outdated. He was
actually rather fascinating, once I got past the problem of
insulted by him (since I realized he must insult everyone he
talks to, I didn't take it personally, although it WAS a
personal insult).
I could see that this man, who is well along in years, has
never gotten past the adolescent, one-way arrow stage.
Since he was born into a wealthy family and has also attained
personal fame, he hasn't had to mature into the double arrow
stage. But what he doesn't realize is that the Emperor has no
clothes: he manipulates his listeners so that our arrows all go
one way (towards him), but when this happens, every single
person is appalled by what he sees, while he remains totally
oblivious to the effect he has on other people.
But I was lucky too because I met someone else: a young
woman who has just lost someone very close to her in an
accident and is still in mourning for him. I told her to email me
and when she did, I was able send along the
Green Man
information I've been given, for the express reason (I
believe) of sharing it with the bereaved people I meet.
I know that my own friendship arrows will always aim both
ways, not because I'm an especially good person (I've done
PLENTY of bad things in my life!) but because I've somehow
received a gift that I know I should pass along. And when I
do, I become both a giver and a taker, because you never
get so much as you do when you give something first,
spontaneously, when you don't need to.
But you don't learn that lesson until you grow up.
Related Entries:
31-Aug-2010: Cocooning
10-Aug-2010: A Trip to Crop Circle Country
27-Jul-2010: Marriage: Hot & Cold
06-Jul-2010: Marcelle
27-May-2010: A Trip to Esalen
11-May-2010: The Birds
13-Apr-2010: Staying Open
31-Mar-2010: I was an Angel for Easter
23-Mar-2010: Nuns I Have Known
16-Mar-2010: It Started With a Hummingbird
