Archive through May 10, 2010 Log Out | Topics | Search
Moderators | Register | Edit Profile

Psychology, Sociology & the Mind » Lessons from unexpected places...... » Archive through May 10, 2010 « Previous Next »

Author Message
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4508
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Tuesday, April 27, 2010 - 3:04 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

"Once again, I marvel at you and your ability to cope and survive... and your analytical abilities to find patterns and research the details to such a fine degree. I've visited the links you provided too, thanks! On top of all that you do, I wonder how you manage to write and post so much. You have a great capacity to be focused on so many details and give them a good airing here!"


First of all, thank you for the kind acknowledgement, Victoria. You are VERY sensitive, and you are also extremely intelligent and articulate. I hope I was able to convey that I was not de-valuing your input on the metaphysical. I did read what you said, and consider it, and even agree to the possibilities.



As to how I cope and survive, I will not be falsely modest about that, but by the same token, it truly could be described as just plain old stubbornness......or, it could be described as absolute determination, and an extremely strong survival instinct and will to live.

Truly, from what I have read, and based on my own experiences, these are some of the primary traits that attract those who would abuse or exploit another. That is true, whether it's in the larger realm of medical and/or mind control experiments, or in the smaller realm of abuse in relationships. The targets are the "strong" ones.


There might seem to be a contradiction, when you consider that I have also been physically sick all my life, and am functional only by the skin of my teeth today. But the only thing I can say about that, is that "chronic illness is not for wimps".



As for being analytical, OH, YES. That is also both a blessing and a curse, for me, AND for people who try to be around me. If someone needs to benefit from my analytical abilities, then they see it as a good thing. But as a "general" rule, it tends to be irritating to people who are NOT analytical, especially when THEY end up under my microscope.

There are so many things I could be good at, if it weren't for my mathematical learning disability.

I am a really good researcher, as well as a good detective.


As far as my ability to post a lot, well, if you have paid attention, you know that my posting goes in "cycles".

I post more, of course, when the "motivation" is there, because, as is surely obvious, I post when I am in need of support, or in need of catharsis. I post as a form of therapy and self-help. Yes, I know.....selfish as all get-out.

There are many times I barely post at all. I went for a couple of months or more, back in the winter, without posting at all. There are a number of reasons for that.

And, what does not "show up" to those reading my posts, is just how long it takes me to compose a post. I am very slow. It takes me twice as long as it does "most" people, to write the same number of words. Part of that is because I have to take so many breaks, due to brain fog, pain and fatigue. I cannot sit for very long at the computer at one time. I have to get up and move around, or my body goes into frozen pain mode.

It also does not "show up" to those reading my posts, just how much ENERGY, physical, mental and emotional, it takes out of me to do ANYTHING, including being on the computer.

Yes, part of that is right back to that OCD tendency to be overly analytical, and like a dog with a bone.

I feel sure that there is a "personality disorder" title for me, but the labels don't matter much to me.

When I went through the SSA-ordered psych evaluation (required to test for both psychiatric issues, AND to document cognitive dysfuntion and learning disabilities), one of the diagnoses was "possible personality disorder, undetermined".

Quite frankly, I am convinced that it is my history of abuse, AND my history of being experimented on, that not only caused the all the lifelong medical problems, but also caused all the psychiatric problems, learning disability, and other cognitive problems.

I also believe that all the weirdness heaped upon me all my life, makes me difficult to diagnose both medically and psychiatrically. I'm like some lab-created "heinz 57"!!!




Victoria, in reading the rest of your post, I was moved to tears. Now matter how many times it happens here, I still find myself amazed at the stories of others, and at just how much our stories have in common.

I appreciate the sharing of your personal experiences. Yes, venting is part of why I post, but as I have said many times, a HUGE part of my "waking up" to what has happened to me, is due not just to the research, but to the reading of other people's stories.

(Quick disclaimer, my memory functions come and go; There are times I can remember what someone posted here on the board years ago, and yet, sometimes I forget what people have posted, too. Usually, I have an almost uncanny ability to remember what people posted. Anyway, if I ask you questions that you have already answered, please forgive me, and remind me.)


What a terribly traumatic and sad story about your oldest sister!!!

If you suspect MC in her life, then does that mean you suspect it in your own? Did either of you have childhood abuse of any kind?

I don't know if you saw any of the posts I made about this, but one of the things that I am ALMOST SURE happened to me, but for which I have no hard proof, was being given shock treatments.

The one incident that I am pretty sure about, I had been hospitalized for a relatively minor medical problem, that in actuality, I don't think was legitimate; in other words, I think I was "told" that I had a kidney infection, and it was used as a ruse to get me admitted to the hospital. This was when I was 16 or 17.

Due to the events that I remember during that stay, plus what I have "remembered", and what little I was able go determine by seeing the medical records, I am nearly positive that I was given shock treatments. That stay was followed by one of my periods of "blank spots" in my memory, as well as missing diary entries for that time.



Your sister's story is just so sad and frightening. It is haunting me. I keep going back and re-reading it.



I, too, have posted before that, despite all the abuse, MC, constant "monitoring" and control of my life, I, too, have had some kind of "guardian angel" or protective force all my life. I, too, have had so many "close calls", both near-death episodes as both a child and an adult, as well as several times when people tried, and ALMOST succeeded, in setting me up to go to jail.

I was thinking back on one of those episodes this morining, while I was cleaning up my breakfast dishes and feeding the cats. I found myself getting all "PTSD"'d thinking back on it, and I started shaking, and getting SO angry, with the adrenaline and butterflies in the stomach at just how close I came to going to jail, and how diabolical and cunning the whole "set-up" was, and how TRUSTING I had been.....

But also, I was feeling, AGAIN, such overwhelming gratitude, and realizing what a freaking miracle it was that, AT THE LAST SECOND before it would have been TOO LATE, the law enforcement person decided to LET ME GO.

That is just one incident. So, I don't know how that works, and I am not convinced that it was "divine protection" in all cases, but I think it was in SOME of the instances.

I also think (no matter how unbelievable this might sound) that many of these set-ups were done JUST FOR EFFECT, just to cause trauma; specifically just to bring me "right to the edge", OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

In addition, I think that some of the "last minute rescues" were done in the way that a slave owner would "protect" his slaves.

And, finally, I do believe that many of my close calls resulted in my own "inner voice" saving me.

It's all very confusing....by design. As I have been ranting about, all the MC-style abuse, on whatever level, is designed to, among other things, cause a person to both FURTHER DEVELOP their own already-strong survival instincts, as well as, at the same time, cause them to DOUBT their own judgement, perceptions, even their own EYES.




Victoria, if you are willing to share more, I would really like to hear more about the "periods of attack" you refer to. I would like to hear as much as you are willing to share, both in describing some the those times, as well as telling me "what you believe or know" about those times.


I, too, use almost the very same "coping tools" that you describe, in order to deal with the attacks of PTSD; for me, it is getting into nature, listening to music, watching something really engrossing on TV, or, something funny or just distracting. Like Animal Plantet or HGTV!!




I feel exactly the same way you do about pharmaceuticals. I have posted several times about my past nightmare experiences in that department. Now, I use only 2 pharmaceuticals, and only occasionally.

I will NEVER take antidepressants again, or benzos, and I will try in every way I can, to avoid taking any other pharmaceuticals. I just know too much, both from a "side-effects" standpoint, and a POLITICAL standpoint!


My posting frenzy has left me very drained. It might not show, based on this post, but I am hitting a wall energy wise, right now.



Thank you again for sharing some of your story, Victoria, and please share more, if you can.




By the way, I sent the email (an edited down version) to my sister last night. At the moment, I am afraid to even open my email program to see if she has responded. I would much rather see NO response. I dread an angry, manipulative response.

Later on today, I will work up the guts to check my email.
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 355
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Tuesday, April 27, 2010 - 6:33 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

SW wrote:
"It takes me twice
as long as it does "most" people, to write the same number of words."


Hahahah!!! You must be joking (and I mean that in a nice way ) because I figured that you must type at a speed of 150 wpm, can compose and switch from thread to thread, staying on topic while multi-tasking the research and links to them.

Pardon me Ma'am, but surely you jest! :-)
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 356
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Tuesday, April 27, 2010 - 7:30 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Roxie ~ You asked about the Ancient Egyptian Mystery School teachings. Back in the mid 90s, I took a 5-day intensive workshop with one of my healer-teachers, Rosalyn L. Bruyere on that topic. She is a phenomenal teacher, healer and so much more! She wrote the book "Wheels of Light" published in '89, and was one of the primary teachers of Barbara Ann Brennan (Hands of Light and B.A.B. School of Healing in NY).

I had very powerful connections to these healers, as I unknowingly drove past Bruyere's unmarked Healing Light Center when it was located in Glendale, CA. I kept wanting to "go in that building" even though I didn't know what was there. That's when Bruyere and Brennan were working together there. Funny synchronistic event back in the early 70s!

Bruyere is one of the most UNIQUE individuals you could ever meet, and I can tell you stories that would astound... but I won't here, so PM me if you wish.

Anyway, the breadth and depth of her knowledge, and the capabilities of her mind go beyond one's imagination. Her book does not translate this high level of being that she possesses, as it's mundane and she is light-years beyond that.

You can contact her and inquire about if and when the next one will be given.
http://rosalynlbruyere.org/rosalynBruyere.html

I don't know of anyone else I'd recommend on the subject, but she has present-time, conscious soul-memory of us in the temples... in many ancient cultures together. That blew my socks off! But I could relate so strongly to what she spoke of, like deja vu, I said to myself, "I remember and have learned this all before!"
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Mama Shine
Senior Member
Username: mama_shine

Post Number: 11542
Registered: 9-2006
Posted on Tuesday, April 27, 2010 - 8:04 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

SW,

Full Moon tomorrow in Scorpio,
thats us..you do have Moon in Scorpio,
don't you?

Go in the Pond and read what I posted.

Love and Blessings.
I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. ~William Blake

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4510
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Tuesday, April 27, 2010 - 11:51 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Mama Shine, you are a PEACH! Thank you so much for the heads up! O - M - G!!!!!

Yes, I am Cancer with Moon in Scorpio.


As I said in The Pond.....

Good Lord! NO WONDER things are the way they are for me right now!


Is that horoscope as on-target for your life at the moment, mama, as it is for me?

Bless you!



_________________




Victoria! You little devil!!!


"I figured that you must type at a speed of 150 wpm, can compose and switch from thread to thread, staying on topic while multi-tasking the research and links to them.


OK, you are creepin' me out, now!!! Are you spying on me?

That is exactly what I do!!!!


(You must be familiar with that "method"! I am quite sure I am not unique in that regard!)


I can type about 80 wpm, on a good day. HowEVER, I have NEVER been able to pass a typing test with more than about 50 wpm!!!

I have major problems with "test anxiety", as well as concentration problems in a typing test!

I can have fingers on fire when I am relaxed, and not under pressure to "hurry". But put a timer on me, or stand behind me and breathe down my neck waiting for me, and it's all over!!


But anyway....

it's not the "typing speed" that is the problem for me, when trying to compose posts; it's the DECISIONS!!! And finding the right words. And remembering to say all I want to say.

AS IF IT WERE IMPORTANT TO ANYONE BESIDES ME!


Anyway, Victoria!!!!! You ARE a little debbil!

(Message edited by second_wind on April 27, 2010)
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 357
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Wednesday, April 28, 2010 - 12:42 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Thank you very much! Ms Speed Demon!
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

John_Doe420
Senior Member
Username: john_doe420

Post Number: 560
Registered: 10-2009
Posted on Friday, April 30, 2010 - 1:17 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

yeah i know what you mean, obviously, sw. like i've said before, I will type, retype, erase, edit, re-arrange, add comma, add hyphen, delete it all, type it again and then hit post, only to think "did i adequately express what i was actually attempting to?" because so often words are limiting, so much so, that very few times since ive been here do i feel i have ever actually expressed precisely what i mean to say at any given time.

then there are those times where I dont really know HOW to say what i want to say. like when you asked why that song i posted to you meant something to me....can't say really.

something, some force, actively seeks to squash or trample on the thing within me that i am meant to express to the world...that's about all i can say about that.
Sonny: Do you think we were all created for a purpose? Id like to
think so. [looks at his hand] Denser alloy. My father gave it to
me. I think he wanted me to kill you.
-I Robot -2004
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4518
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 01, 2010 - 12:00 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

I have that same problem (your last statement above) as well, sometimes.

Other times, it is just the opposite, if you understand what I mean?




-------------

I made it through the anniversary of Mom's death.

I am still in pretty much the same mood about it, though.

And I am now faced with a new reality regarding not communicating with my sister.

I still believe there is a very high probability that she passive-agressively manipulated me into doing what she did not have the nerve to do; like others (gutless "boyfriends" and "friends") have done before, where they do exactly what they know I will not forgive, so that I will be "the one" to do the "breaking up", thereby letting them off the hook.

Sadly, it's not been just "boyfriends and friends" who have done that to me; my own father AND my son pulled the same things. They both, within the last two years, deliberately did very specific things to me, that they knew I would not forgive.


Now, it's my sister.

I have not heard from her since I sent the email on Tuesday.

Of course, what did I expect?

Whatever.....

I just think it's a damn shame that they are all so gutless that they must use passive-agressive mind-games to relieve themselves of any obligation or connection to me.
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4519
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 01, 2010 - 12:04 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

The thing that is even more important is that they ALL KNOW that the back-handed tactics cause much more emotional pain and damage, than a direct, but honest, rejection of me would.



I am feeling the strangest mixture of relief and grief.
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Alen
Member
Username: slippywhnwet

Post Number: 83
Registered: 4-2010
Posted on Saturday, May 01, 2010 - 2:15 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

We had electives in high school.
Jr. year I took Psychology.
I did my project on Graphology.
I had my teacher write out a paragraph,
and I analyzed it. She was tallish
brunette, cute. It dawned on her at
the end of my analysis to the class,
that I was cheating.
I got a B

(Message edited by slippywhnwet on May 01, 2010)
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Roxie
Intermediate Member
Username: roxanne

Post Number: 122
Registered: 2-2009
Posted on Saturday, May 01, 2010 - 8:43 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

SW:

I understand the mixture of relief and grief. I think, for me, it was all part of the process of freeing myself from my abusers. And I'm not sure it is actually grief, in that I grieve for them, but rather that I grieve for what could have been or what should have been.

I was so brainwashed into being a people pleaser, but no matter what I achieved, it was met with criticism. With me, their criticism had the opposite effect. It just made me try harder. It turned me into a perfectionist. And the more proficient I became in any area that they criticised, the more criticism I received. Their way of keeping me down or below them.

Somehow, in the dark recesses of my mind, after years of abuse, I had equated their criticism to "caring about me". They only cared about what I could "do" for them.

When I broke all contact, there was a huge "relief", but at the same time there was this "void". I went through a time when I thought, what more can "I do" to get them to love and care about me. (I know! Crazy thinking!)

I finally realized that seeking and craving that "care" to fill the void, would amount to nothing more than their same old pattern of criticising me, and I refused to set myself up for that again.

Yes, they are masters at the passive/aggressive tactics. I think it is programmed into their brains. It allows them to get in their little digs, without making them to appear to have actually said/done anything more than express their "care", and to anyone not familiar with their abuse, it is easily turned around on us to make us the bad guy. "They" know exactly what "they" are doing. The problem comes in when "we" know exactly what "they" are doing.

It takes time to recover for all the years of abuse. And the longer I stayed out of contact with them, the less I cared about their opinion of me.

From the time I was a child I wanted to be a hairdresser, and in my senior year of high school I expressed my desire to go to beauty school, which was met with, "You don't want to do that. That is labor. You need to be a secretary."

So I became a legal secretary, which is nothing more, in my mind, that a highly stressed out, glorified babysitter.

After I broke contact with the abusers in my family and my husband's, at the ripe old age of 43, I went to beauty school, and loved every minute of it. It is something I have a natural talent for. It's not work for me, it's fun, it makes me happy, I'm my own boss. People make appointments for "me". I am no longer making appointments for my boss. It makes me feel important that people seek me out. And that is an odd feeling that anyone, strangers, find me accomplished enough at something to return to me, over and over for my service. And they pay me for it. And it is a source of independence, something my abusers NEVER wanted me to have.

So what, if they think I'm a laborer. And I guarantee you, if I were still in contact with them, they would be sitting in my chair, expecting services, at no charge. Nope. Because, no matter what I did, they would never be pleased.

Unfortunately, because of my secretarial and bookkeeping background, I do "office" work for my husband's business, part time. And I guess my background has come in handy, but my love is for hairdressing. I'm just weird that way.

You know, SW, I want to reiterate what Victoria said. You really do have a talent for writing and researching. Perhaps you could consider writing. You could even write something as "fiction" using your experiences. It's something you could do from home, on your own time, when you are feeling well enough. You know with fiction, you could have the problem character zapped out of existence!

Stay strong, and use this "grief" or void, as a time to heal, listen to "your" internal voice and find a way to use your natural talent for something that makes "you" happy. And don't worry about what "they" think or what "they" say. I know its easier said than done. After some time has passed without them, you will eventually get to the point that you'll wonder why on earth you ever allowed yourself to be "bothered" by them.
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4527
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Monday, May 03, 2010 - 12:36 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Roxie, thank you for the response, and the nice words about my "talent".

As for fiction, well, most of my experiences are so weird, that they sound like fiction, I imagine. Plus, if I were ever to try to write an autobiography, I would have to use "probable fiction" to fill in all the blank spots in my memory/history.

I've posted about this before, but since you ladies brought up writing again....

When I was a kid, about 9 or ten, I guess, I submitted a story to American Girl magazine. I didn't win the big prize, but I did get "honorable mention", and $50, and my story was published in the mag.

Strangely, my story was about "special" girls being sent to a very strange "school for girls".

---------

I want to respond more to what you said in you post above, but it will have to wait.

I'm feeling very uncommunicative at the moment.....very low energy.

Will try tomorrow.
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4529
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Monday, May 03, 2010 - 3:47 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Regrets?
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4530
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Monday, May 03, 2010 - 4:05 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Onme of the many amazing things about music, is that sometimes, we can hear a song many times, before it actually takes on a personal meaning.

And how we can be led to meaningful songs "by accident".....



Everyone knows....






(I wish we had more choices of icons....)
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Alen
Intermediate Member
Username: slippywhnwet

Post Number: 122
Registered: 4-2010
Posted on Monday, May 03, 2010 - 4:15 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Fullscreem0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nm3SAtzQl5M&feature=related
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4531
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Monday, May 03, 2010 - 5:17 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Alen, I have tried communicating with you directly a couple of times; no response.

If you have something constructive to contribute to this thread, or something direct and honest to say to me, then please do so!

Otherwise, on MY (yes, MY) thread, "Silence is Golden".

Thank you very much.




Now, you did, however, remind me of a KC song that is totally on topic to this thread, and the issues being dealt with here........

So, thanks for THAT!


Three of a Perfect Pair



She is susceptible
He is impossible
They have their cross to share
Three of a perfect pair...

He has his contradicting views
She has her cyclothymic moods
They make a study in despair
Three of a perfect pair...

One
One too many
Schizophrenic tendencies
Keeps it complicated
Keeps it aggravated
And full of this hopelessness
What a perfect mess...








"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4532
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Monday, May 03, 2010 - 5:25 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Ah, yes! The musical connections, and the "lessons from unexpected places"......




Nothing like a little sad irony....



Well, I woke up this morning
In a cloud of despair
I ran my hand across my head
Pulled out a pile of worried hair
I went to my physician
Who was buried in his thoughts
He said, 'Son, you've been reading
Too much Elephant Talk.'

He said, 'The thing about depression is
Well you just can't let it get you down
You have to see the world for what it is -
A circus full of freaks and clowns
And you'll never please everybody
it's a well established fact'
He said, 'I recommend a fifth of Jack
and a bottle of Prozac.'

What can you give a man
Who has everything?
Can you give him back his edge?
Can you make him want to sing?
No, you can only take from him
And there's nothing he can do
I've got the driving-me-to-drink-and-eat-a-bottle-of-Prozac-BLUES.

Well, I woke up this morning
And I shaved off my head
By the time I realized what I had done
I was already dead
I went to see the gatekeeper
Who was standing by Heaven's door
He said, 'I hope you brought a good supply of... you know'

"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4534
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Monday, May 03, 2010 - 5:59 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

I just posted a song over in the "juicy songs" thread, and I dedicate it to MY SISTER, but also to a "certain few" people here on the board.

I want to make CLEAR that the posters who have been kind to me here, are not part of the group that I dedicate the song to.

Just so you know......
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Mama Shine
Senior Member
Username: mama_shine

Post Number: 11606
Registered: 9-2006
Posted on Monday, May 03, 2010 - 9:39 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

SW,

This song came to me....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tn4V-Yfvlvs

(Message edited by mama_shine on May 03, 2010)
I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. ~William Blake

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4536
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Tuesday, May 04, 2010 - 3:03 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

That is one of the most beautiful songs ever, and The Bee Gees were one of my favorite groups!

Songs like that are, of course, very bittersweet to me, because I'm still wishing for An Innocent Man.

(Yes, I know I've posted that song half-a-dozen times, but it "says it better" than any song I can think of.)

(Message edited by second_wind on May 04, 2010)
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 362
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Wednesday, May 05, 2010 - 8:50 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Sorry to drag the conversation back to "gaslighting,"....

... but, I came across this info on "BPD Distortion Campaigns," and was thinking that it's connected, and was wondering what any of you think of it?


BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) Distortion Campaigns
http://stoptheviolations.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!EAAD6F37C43789DF!530.entry?sa= 458020729



Oh rats! I started this and had to go on an errand, and now the link above "is temporarily unavailable" ...BUT, I'm hoping it will come back. The info on it was very insightful on how and why a person can get away with "gaslighting," and it explains how one can get trapped in this lunacy and the consequences for the targeted person.

I'm going to keep trying to get the info and will try to post it if I can... sorry!



What led me to this is... this was done to a UFO researcher, Dr. David Jacobs. He tells his story and responds to this crazy "gaslighting"
defamation campaign by someone with BPD that he was trying to help.

"Dr. David Jacobs, with 42 years of UFO abduction research, has finally responded to a years long defamation campaign that has targeted him. His full explanation of the series of events is very revealing about the pitfalls anyone may encounter who is engaged in helping others."

Dr. Jacob's story and defense is here:
http://www.ufoabduction.com/defamationcampaign.htm

I don't mean to bring up things that traumatize... but educating and forewarning others is why we're here, right?

But now I'm more confused, as my older sister may have had this problem of BPD too, and I'll never know what happened or what the truth is.

Have I been a victim of her defamation campaign against me? I'd have to say YES! Definitely YES... after all, she "hated me all her life."

And when I try to connect to other family and friends of our younger days, they all have this same negative opinion of me that they got from my sister's campaign of constantly trashing me to them... all lies of course! She was always VERY jealous of me, my life, my friends, my gifts and my success. (I don't mean to sound egotistical, but to my older sister, she thought things came to me very easily, but not to her. She just didn't notice how hard I worked.)

But how would any of these people know the truth because she did such a wonderful job of lying to them all about what a horrible person I was... well, you know the rest of the story from your own experience, perhaps? Boy was she good at slandering me. But in the end... I think they all knew she was "crazy" and began to pull-back from her grasp... they were victims of her delusions too. It's all so sad now.

I still don't hold a grudge against her though, because I know she was... or became severely mentally ill.

But why and how did she get there is my big question that will never get answered...

Progressive MC...?
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 363
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Wednesday, May 05, 2010 - 8:53 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

OH GREAT!!

The site I posted above is back on line now, so check it out!
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4549
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Thursday, May 06, 2010 - 12:11 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

It is amazing that the article on BPD distortion campaigns could be editied, and each reference to "BPD" or the "Borderline Person", etc., could be replaced with the terms "perp", "gangstalker", or other words that are used in the discussions of the "organized stalking" world.

There are other aspects to the "organized stalking" phenomenon that the BPD premise does not seem to include.

However, I can easily see how a person with BPD, or even some other PDs, could easily seek out to participate in not just their own defamation campaign against someone, but to actually seek to begin a full-blown "organized stalking" campaign.


In "organized or gangstalking", though, one of the primary weapons used on targets is a defamation campaign.

However, from what I have read, most targets never discover for certain how, or to whom, they have been defamed. They rarely learn what lies have been told about them.

Various manipulations take place, similar to as described in the article above, that prevents people from telling the target what they have been told. The target rarely gets a chance to defend against the lies, because the target cannot prove that lies are being told. It doesn't take much imagination to think of ways to prevent people from revealing what they have been told.

And, in my own case, I am almost certain that many people who were part of my life in one way or another, including doctors and therapists, have been manipulated to distance themselves from me, with lies, threats, bribes, or a combination.

However, I have never, and probably never will, even DARE to ask any of those people WHY they distanced themselves, or even harmed me in various ways.

I mean, talk about your Catch 22! I can't even fathom going to a former friend, or my son, or former employers, or doctors or therapists, and saying, "Why did you desert me?"

And I certainly would never be so stupid as to ask any of them, "did someone come to you and tell you negative things about me?"....

If someone dissed me because of lies they were told by someone else, and they believed the lies enough to completely cut off contact with me, then the odds that they would be honest if I DID confront them, are practically nil.

That is what makes these defamation campaigns so insidious, and the damage they do beyond repair; the victim cannot attempt any kind of remedy without looking either guilty or crazy.



So, anyway, while organized stalking situations are, by definition, much more complicated than the kind of "sole stalker" thing described above, the similarities in the defamation campaign tactics are so similar!

-----------



Victoria, how did you find out for certain that your sister had conducted a defamation campaign against you?



-------------

Also, I have read the article by Jacobs very recently. I don't think it was from being posted here, but probably because of the common denominator of "defamation" in much of the things I have been researching on lately.

In fact, as may have happened for you, Victoria, I probably saw the article as a result of doing searches using "gaslighting" as a keyword.

-------------


I want to make some more comments about the Jacobs piece, and there are also some specific things I want to quote from the BPD article and then make some comments. However, it will have to wait till tomorrow.
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4550
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Thursday, May 06, 2010 - 12:13 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

I forgot to say that YES, it was appropriate for you to post this information here on this thread.

Thank you for doing so.
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 364
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Thursday, May 06, 2010 - 1:13 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

I had several of my family members, ie., my grandfather and cousins, tell me how horrible I treated my older sister, and that she had told them so. They were trying to "shame me." But I had no idea what they were talking about because the things that I had supposedly done had never happened, and were fabrications by my sister.

It was she who was the terrorist! She'd beat me, try to kill me, or threaten to kill me at various times in our adulthood. I know she wasn't kidding, so I'd back away real fast in such episodes. Then, I would see that she needed help and then come to her aid.

In fact, I would do practically everything to help my sister, including rescuing her from suicide attempts (at least 5 times), housed and provided for her for months on end when she was depressed and couldn't get out of bed. I hired people to help her and take care of her children, which she was unable to do many times, and her bum-husband was an a** and never lifted a finger. I took the tiny children each Sunday, just so she could have the day off... even though it was my only day off too. I painted her house, inside and out, lifted bales of hay to help her feed cattle, and lots of little things... but it was never enough!!! She still hated me... jealousy I guess.

After she died, (she had alienated herself from most everyone by then and burned every bridge), I contacted as many people I could to submit a memoir to her Guest Book Obit... just so her kids would have some positive memories of her (they're in their 20's now), but they ended up trashing me because their Mother had done it to me all their lives... kids are easily programmed.

Right, how stupid am I for thinking that the kids might like their auntie after all? And their Dad (whom I had no respect for) did his little passive/aggressive maneuver on me too. I'm a stickler for truth and honesty, but when someone starts lying, I'll confront them... which is what they all started doing to get their way so I wouldn't mess up their "inheritance." What lies and deceit people will do for money!

I was grieving and they all dumped on ME! After I spent tons of time helping them resolve estate issues and taking care of laborious clean-up details, after they didn't need me to do the heavy lifting any more cause I got it all done for them. Right! Enslave me, THEN trash me!

No good deed goes unpunished!

I'm thinking my sister has been too powerful an influence on my niece and nephew. Sad, but true. And genes are ever-present from both parents.
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4551
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Thursday, May 06, 2010 - 1:56 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

A quick couple of thoughts before I sign off and go to bed (at "almost normal" nighttime hours, no less!!).....


First off, I must apologize to you, because I should have remembered that you had already posted about how your family members scolded you for treating your sister badly, when, in fact, the opposite had been true.

The moment I began reading your post above, I remembered that you had already told me this.

My short-term memory is suffering badly. Between the stress of the situation with my sister, and other issues in my daily life at the moment, I am more distracted from my normal focus on the board.

I wish I could say that being "not so focused on the board" due to "real life", is a good thing, but the things going on in real life are trying to have me for lunch.


some more thoughts.....


One of my frustrations with all the psychiatric labels and categories, is that while they often are right on target in describing extremely abnormal or destructive behavior, they are also easy weapons and avenues of CONTROL over the people.

Plus, let's not forget what psychiatry has to say about people who see UFOs, or who believe they have been abducted, or who channel entities, or do psychic healing or any of the many subjects discussed on this board.


Besides, the best and most consistently and fully accurate description I have ever read for my own "idiosyncrasies" (which include things that would be deemed symptoms of mental illness), and even my physical illness, is the description of a "Highly Sensitive Person".

No surprise, an HSP is a ripe target for abuse and exploitation.

Just sayin'....
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

NATiVE ALiEN
Senior Member
Username: blue_screen

Post Number: 3792
Registered: 4-2008
Posted on Thursday, May 06, 2010 - 8:15 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

SW wrote
And, in my own case, I am almost certain that many people who were part of my life in one way or another, including doctors and therapists, have been manipulated to distance themselves from me, with lies, threats, bribes, or a combination.


did the 'distancing' start with your High Strangeness experience?...or earlier in life?
"This gets me to a question that returns to my mind practically every day of my life: what are the visitors?"

Whitley Strieber
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 365
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Thursday, May 06, 2010 - 3:26 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Good point, Native!

Soooo...... which comes first, the chicken or the egg?


The primary reason I'm posting on this is that I'm trying to figure out what happened to my sister... from very early childhood to her tragic ending last year by a Kevorkian hired-suicider. Her life had become so untenable, due to her own mischief (which may or may not have been her fault), bad decisions, depression, bi-polar and probably other disorders.

For over 15-years, I arranged Mass and Rosaries to be prayed for my sister by Benedictine monks EVERY day, and I prayed every day also to help heal her... and I had thought all the prayers failed!

But they didn't fail, because I discovered (after her death) that she somehow managed to attract some very good friends who loved her anyway. After all, she was beautiful, extremely intelligent, a gifted writer (a cumlaude Masters in Journalism from USC) and poet, and tried to be a great mother to her kids... but her disease interrupted her intended life.

But, did ET or MC interupt it too?

So, one time (about 5-6 years ago) she told me that she was "being studied." But that's where that conversation ended... and I was never able to ask any more questions. And my question back then was... did she have close encounters?

Could ET encounters be the nexus of her fractured state of being... then possibly MILABS/MC following up?


MILABS/MC -- Has this been the reason so many mysterious people (Powers) have tried to kill me all my life?

I remember a UFO encounter when I was a kid, 7-8 years old, and having a "twilight-zone" feeling later... all but forgotten until my 40's.

SW ~ I hope this addresses some of your questions, but the only REASON I've survived is because of a powerful protective being(s) mentally directing(COMMANDING) me to take certain actions, which saved my life... and I'm not kidding here. It's always been a super-natural or mystical intervention for me!!! And I have witnesses to some of them which confirm that I didn't imagine or hallucinate anything.

And, this is the reason of me being HERE on UC board... to find common ground with such strangeness.


Back to my sister...
She was strong-minded and rebelled against control, ie., she refused to ever shed a tear when we got spanked as kids. Consequently, she kept getting whipped until she would shed a tear... but she refused and the spanking continued.

Later, she would claim child-abuse from the "beatings."

I, on the other hand, would start the tear-shedding on suspecting a (deserved) punishment coming my way, and nothing would happen to me. She hated that I wouldn't get spanked and she would... but it was the outcome of her contrary personality, her own choice, that resulted in a more severe punishment. It wasn't my fault, but she blamed ME for her own rebellious-ways!

I learned to pretend compliance and remorse (but secretly I had lots of fun doing mischief) and then to NEVER ask permission to do anything, thus I would never get punished for disobeying... a pretty smart strategy, LOL! I never shared this concept with my sister... "let her figure it out, 'cause she would screw it up for me for sure!"

Remorse was the expected outcome of our mischief. Our parents were raised that way, so it's all they knew to do, but they were not horrible parents in that kind of corporal abuse issues. It was just that my sister "chose" to be obstinate of her own accord... and then she would "mouth-off" to them every time (mostly our Dad) and compound the issue for herself. Yes, Dad would get frustrated and then angry over the rebellion. Our parents were trying to "raise us right" and be diligent parents, albeit harsh by todays standards.

SW ~ You were correct the first time, because I have not posted that my family accused me of being mean to my sister until this thread... at least I don't think I have... darned memory! LOL

So, I hope I haven't bored anyone too much with all these details, but I really am trying to help others by writing all this personal history, and/or find answers myself... if you should have some related ah-ha moments for me.

Thanks!
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 366
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Thursday, May 06, 2010 - 4:03 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

SW wrote ~ "I wish I could say that being "not so focused on the board" due to "real life", is a good thing, but the things going on in real life are trying to have me for lunch."
~~~~~~~~~~

I hear you sister!!! I've been through 2-years of hell myself, with "real life" bas*ards trying to destroy me... again! Different bas*ards, some-'ol/same-'ol!

But hang-in there and deep-breathe peace! Exhale your fear and anxiety and send it to Mother Earth to heal and transmute. "After all, tomorrow is another day!" as Scarlett O'Hara once said.

And PACE-YOURSELF! It's like a marathon race... so don't try to finish it before you get to the finish line... where ever that is, OK?


~~~~~~~~~~
SW wrote ~ "One of my frustrations with all the psychiatric labels and categories, is that while they often are right on target in describing extremely abnormal or destructive behavior, they are also easy weapons and avenues of CONTROL over the people."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

YES, ABSOLUTELY! I think everyone, EVERYONE is in one category or another of a mentally unbalanced state of being. The times are just too intense. But if a person can self-moderate, recognize when obsession overcomes us, then back off, it's a sign that we're still OK and not over the brink.

As for me, I use the energy of my anger to fight-off my attackers... those who seek to destroy me. It's an exhausting, depressing and mind-numbing endeavor, and sometimes I don't succeed. But I do have the satisfaction of knowing I did my best... I didn't cave-in to things or people I consider evil.

Perhaps this tactic results in my failure to Master the Irrational Realm of the Ancient Mystery Schools.

But, it's a process, right?

Baby-steps, and follow my intuition, right?

A labor of LOVE, right!
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4556
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Thursday, May 06, 2010 - 8:23 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Hi, NA.

You asked:

"did the 'distancing' start with your High Strangeness experience?...or earlier in life?"


Well, the answer to that is actually....BOTH.

FWIW, I have posted AT LENGTH about these issues in the past, mostly under "TheLabRat", but also under my current handle.

But to give a synopsis, since you asked....

I think the initial "distancing" within my own family began when I was pretty small. I cannot say for certain how early, since I have very few memories prior to about age 6.....

.....but it was around that age when the "unexplained" and suspicious (in retrospect) hospitalizations for strange ailments and "surgeries" and half-remembered "accidents" resulting in "injuries", began happening.

It was, I think (but I am not certain) during my second grade year when "whatever it was" took place, and my parents were approached about something to do with my abilities or intelligence.

The story I was always given by my father was that after aptitude tests (which I suppose included IQ tests), my parents were called and told that something must be wrong, because my school performance (lack of ability to concentrate, or even stay awake in class) did not match up to my high IQ.

My dad used to say:

"They told us you were one of the 5 smartest kids in your grade, but that they just couldn't get you to pay attention!"

In retrospect, I know that there were much bigger reasons for this poor performance at school, and that it was most definitely NOT my "willful" refusal to pay attention. I always wanted nothing more than to please everyone, including teachers and parents.

Then, in the time that followed, all during elementary school, is when other incidents relative to school began happening, and my parents being approached by various people ?? about my "abilities", particularly relative to my ability to memorize things, and other areas.

During this time, there was a struggle between, what I now believe to be mixed feelings of both pride, and of jealousy, on the part of my father, especially.

My mother initially tried to encourage my talents, but my father found ways to prevent my explorations of them.

But then, on the other hand, it was my FATHER who used to brag about me to people, especially people he worked with; as if I was a performing seal, or something.

And it was HE who took me the the strange place of my memories, which was either Los Alamos Labs, or somewhere at White Sands base.

My sister was also jealous of me from day one, as I have written many times. She certainly tried to "distance" from me, by attempting to kill me a couple of times.

And, as I also have said many times, she used to torment me with "if you don't stop being so sensitive, they are going to send you away with those doctors".

When I entered puberty, which was also when my parents divorced, the distance began to increase between my father and myself.

It only increased further the older I got.

The distance that took place between myself and my Mother, was also COMPLETELY manipulated, by my father. He literally drove her into deep alcoholism, in order to silence her about many things.

She did sober up, but she never really opened up; in fact, she used defensive anger to avoid my questions about my childhood. It became clear to me in my late 20s, that she was hiding things from me, and that she used anger to get me to stop questioning.

The very same is still true with my sister, although all my family also used "I don't remember" or "that never happened" to deal with my questions. The anger came when I would persist in asking.

I have already spoken about all this so many times......

I hope that is enough to sort of answer your question, Native, without you having to read my old posts.

But the whole distancing thing is extremely complicated, and many-faceted, because even though they distanced themselves from me, both emotionally and physically, they still remained "responsible" for "watching me", all my life, with my sister remaining the primary handler.


It is an extremely complicated puzzle, for which I will never have all the pieces.


----------

My energy is down at the moment, so I am going to take a break and have some supper, and then I will come back and try to catch up......
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

NATiVE ALiEN
Senior Member
Username: blue_screen

Post Number: 3798
Registered: 4-2008
Posted on Thursday, May 06, 2010 - 9:53 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Thanks SW...wow...an extremely complicated puzzle indeed...
"This gets me to a question that returns to my mind practically every day of my life: what are the visitors?"

Whitley Strieber
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Alen
Intermediate Member
Username: slippywhnwet

Post Number: 163
Registered: 4-2010
Posted on Thursday, May 06, 2010 - 10:11 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Yes I would like to meet them too.



Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 368
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Friday, May 07, 2010 - 3:22 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

I've spent the entire morning listening to the MOTK audios that Whitley made, and that are in the subscriber section. There are so many incredible connections that Whitley discussed that can assist me in my desire to sort out my strange family history.

One of the things that he discussed was how we identify with our name... and that we were so much more than that... that it's the ego identification that holds us back.

There are so many gems that apply to this matter of strangeness, I'm going to reread the book... again!
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4558
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Friday, May 07, 2010 - 6:56 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

"One of the things that he discussed was how we identify with our name... and that we were so much more than that... that it's the ego identification that holds us back."



I'm not understanding the relevance of that to the conversation on this thread. (???)

Perhaps this is just one of my "more dense" days.

Can you tell me which part number contained that discussion about names?

I don't have time right now to listen to all of the parts. In about 10 days, some pending issues in my daily life will (hopefully) be ironed out, and I will have more time to listen to the entire series.

I have a very difficult time reading a hand-held book, but I would enjoy listening to the audio series. (I have quite a few "books-on-tape".)

I can read pretty well on the computer, but listening to an audio version of something is much easier, because it does not require that I sit at the computer for long periods. I can turn the volume up and move about the house as needed.


I just now looked again and the descriptions of the various parts of The Key in the sub section, and I see that it is not actually Whitley reading the book, but more of a discussion about aspects of the book. Is that correct?




--------------



Native Alien, I realized that I didn't fully answer your question, despite my long response.

As for people other than family, who distanced themselves......


When I look back on it now, I see that most of that distancing began, in the mid-1980s, when I went through a 13-year period of almost-complete and total abstinence from any and all mind altering substances.

I say "almost" because there was a period from about late 1988 until about 1991, when I was talked into using a couple two specific drugs (elavil and flexeril) in combination. What a huge mistake that was, on SO MANY LEVELS!!

At that time, and to some degree still, the combination of those drugs was the "first line of defense" by doctors in "treating" fibromyalgia and CFIDS; ostensibly, to treat the "sleep disorder" aspect of these illnesses, and to some degree, muscle spasms.

When I quit using all drugs in 1984, I began to have memories coming up.

It was not JUST the abstinence, but it was also a result of certain "exercises" I was advised to use, which literally put me into the mode of "actively remembering". Kind of lik

(Message edited by second_wind on May 07, 2010)
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Mama Shine
Senior Member
Username: mama_shine

Post Number: 11655
Registered: 9-2006
Posted on Friday, May 07, 2010 - 7:13 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

SW,

Did you read down in the board section
where we were accused of being the same
person. The initial post of that statement has rolled..

I don't even have a sister...kinda glad of it,
doesn't have to be a sister..oh well. I feel
my poor mind has been through the ringer lately.
I will NOT let it break me down...not after all
I've been through in my life.

Being super sensitive has it's down side but it
does afford me the opportunity to see what others
may not see. I just have to stand back and observe for awhile and not let my emotions get the better of me...ain't easy.
I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. ~William Blake

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Mama Shine
Senior Member
Username: mama_shine

Post Number: 11656
Registered: 9-2006
Posted on Friday, May 07, 2010 - 7:45 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post



Are you okay SW?
I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. ~William Blake

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4559
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Friday, May 07, 2010 - 8:11 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Victoria, just a quick shout out to thank you for the PM, and to say that, no, you have not offended or bothered me by anything you have said. Yes, I am hyper-sensitive, but I am not unreasonable or completely unbalanced!!

Plus, you should know by now that, if you insult or offend or hurt me, I will definitely let you know!!!


-------------



Mama, no, I did not see it.

I would appreciate it if you, or anyone who did, would please send me a PM and tell me what the post in question said, and specifically what was said regarding the "sister" aspect.

(Of course, I will have to take your/anyone's word for it, since I did not see the original post.)

Other than by PM, I would appreciate any further discussion of it to be either private, or on the thread in the "board" section.


"Being super sensitive has it's down side but it does afford me the opportunity to see what others may not see."

I hear that, "Sister"!!!

(That's a little dark humor, intended for.....well, you both know who you are!!)

------------

For anyone who might think that playing games with me because I am vulnerable, is good fun, then you can .....well, you know.

Anyone reading this should only wear THAT shoe, IF it fits you; otherwise, disregard.





"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 369
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Friday, May 07, 2010 - 11:03 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Hi SW,
I was thinking that the part on names was in the 3rd audio... but I'll check it again and let you know. But the reason I mentioned it was that it reminded ME that I can get too hung-up on defending myself instead of being emotionally "detached" as is recommended by many sages. But Whitley gives a technique for detaching which I thought was good... will include it later.

I live in an apt. with two other women with my first name. One is an elder who is very impatient and gets frustrated easily and is cranky. The other one I LOATHE and is a certifiable lunatic!

So right now I'm "hating" my beautiful name which is spoiled by such individuals, because others mistake negative comments about these other two and attach them to ME! But what I realized today listening to the MOTK audios is that each personality is merely an aspect of me, but in different form. So it was an a-ha moment for me, to remind me to lighten up. Maybe it's all irrelevant
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4562
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 12:42 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

"I live in an apt. with two other women with my first name."


"....each personality is merely an aspect of me, but in different form."



Did you mean, an apartment complex or building? Because, if not, it sounds to me as if you are describing alters.....as in, multiple personality alters.



And.....did you receive my PM?

.......
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4563
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 12:45 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

And, HEY, ROXANNE!!!!


Why are you just lurking????



"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Alen
Intermediate Member
Username: slippywhnwet

Post Number: 199
Registered: 4-2010
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 12:49 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zDeJ0VeN6k
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Alen
Intermediate Member
Username: slippywhnwet

Post Number: 200
Registered: 4-2010
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 12:50 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

replay
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 370
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 1:20 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

SW ~ no, I don't have alters... and my "apartment" is in a building, as most apartments do not stand alone... Please, I'm not an old grouchy woman nor am I a looney. Like I said... two OTHER women have the same name as I.

I think you need a nap!
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 371
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 1:21 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

I gather you don't get the metaphysical concept... "we are all one!"
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Alen
Advanced Member
Username: slippywhnwet

Post Number: 205
Registered: 4-2010
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 1:26 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Yes Lets go down together
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4565
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 2:44 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

"I think you need a nap!"

"I gather you don't get the metaphysical concept... "we are all one!"



UH OH.


How could I have worded my post #4562 differently, so that you would know I was teasing you?

But, yes, I "get" the idealistic concept of "we are all one". It's just too bad that it ends up being a "truth" only in the metaphysical realm, and seldom in the "real world", or on message boards.

As far as needing a nap......probably. Even though I "slept" for about 9 hours last night, it was not restful sleep.




"But the reason I mentioned it was that it reminded ME that I can get too hung-up on defending myself instead of being emotionally "detached" as is recommended by many sages."


Now, that is a point well taken, Victoria.


I will go into the subscriber section and listen to the part 3 of the discussion you mentioned.


And, in the same vein as what you said to me in your PM, I apologize if I have offended you by my use of words, or a lack of appropriate icons.




---------------



Mama, I can look up the thread now, and see that part of my post #11655 did not Post.

The ENTIRE POST is in my emailed copy of posts.

I will not speculate on why that is, because there could be several reasons, not the least of which is the fact that, in addition to trying to respond to posts from you, and PMs from Victoria, I was also multitasking with issues in "real life".

I was also having major problems with connectivity when I was trying to post earlier today. I finally gave up and shut the computer down. That kind of crap (computer or internet problems) has happened MANY, MANY times, when I have been posting memories like I was posting this afternoon.


I could re-post what is missing from above, but what's the point?



But, what the hell....I'll copy and paste, from my copy in my email, the entire portion of my continued response to Native Alien, as well as the comment about my sister, which I originally posted in post #11655, above, but is now missing.


Here it is:

"Native Alien, I realized that I didn't fully answer your question,
despite my long response.

As for people other than family, who distanced themselves......

When I look back on it now, I see that most of that distancing began,
in the mid-1980s, when I went through a 13-year period of
almost-complete and total abstinence from any and all mind altering
substances.

I say "almost" because there was a period from about late 1988 until
about 1991, when I was talked into using a couple two specific drugs
(elavil and flexeril) in combination. What a huge mistake that was, on
SO MANY LEVELS!!

At that time, and to some degree still, the combination of those drugs
was the "first line of defense" by doctors in "treating" fibromyalgia
and CFIDS; ostensibly, to treat the "sleep disorder" aspect of these
illnesses, and to some degree, muscle spasms.

When I quit using all drugs in 1984, I began to have memories coming
up.

It was not JUST the abstinence, but it was also a result of certain
"exercises" I was advised to use, which literally put me into the mode
of "actively remembering". Kind of like trying to write an
autobiography of trauma.

In addition, I was having various kinds of bodywork done (from
therapeutic massage to Rolfing), and this was also causing buried
"stuff" to try to surface.

So, because of all this, I began to ask questions about what had
happened to me.

This all began a cascade of events over many years, including being
manipulated into seeing the doctor who put me on those two drugs.

Two of the most common side effect of these drugs, especially in
combination, are MEMORY LOSS and BIZARRE DREAMS/NIGHTMARES.

So, not only was my process of trying to get at buried memories being
compromised DELIBERATELY, but the memories and experiences that were
showing up as "dreams/nightmares" were now almost impossible to
differentiate from the "dreams" caused by the two meds. In other
words, if I tried to discuss some things coming out in dreams, I was
then told "it's just the meds".

In addition, I was not just dealing with "memory recovery" during this
time; I was also continuing to have "strangeness" in both my
"sleeping" and my waking life.

When I finally realized what was happening, and then refused to
continue the drugs, then slowly, over time, everyone that I would go
to for help with memory recovery ended up being "gotten to".

After that, instead of trying to help me, many different tactics were
then used by both therapist and doctors, to discourage me from either
understanding the true nature of my memories, or to discourage me from
trying to remember AT ALL.

They might start out "willing" to help, but after a few sessions,
things would change, and the attempts to get me to just "take your
meds and get on with your life" increased.

If I continued to try to insist on remembering, then tactics would be
used to end the therapeutic relationship.

In all the time I have tried to find a therapist willing to help, only
ONE actually tried.....and she ended up getting fired from her job
after I had had about 10 or 12 sessions, and had really begun to
remember some stuff.

Of course, I cannot prove it that all these therapeutic relationships
were compromised; but just like so many things we talk about here at
UC, we learn to tell when things are "just coincidence", and when they
aren't.

When thinking about it, and your question of "did the 'distancing'
start with **your High Strangeness experience?...or earlier in
life?"......I agree that it is difficult to tell, sometimes, which
came first, the chicken or the egg (like Victoria said).

And, of course, **there was WAY MORE THAN JUST ONE high-strangeness experience.

And, in this additional response to your question, I have only
discussed the manipulation of therapeutic relationships. I have not
even added the massive manipulation in other relationships, with
friends, associates, bosses, and other people around me in my life.

---------

A little side note:

My sister sent me an email with only one thing in it - the following quote:

"Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life."

~Charles M. Schulz"



--------


So, all that above in italics, is what is (mostly) missing from the original post.

I had almost finished the original post, and then I had gone back to edit the post, to add that my sister had also mentioned in her email about seeing the Michael Jackson movie. But that edit, and all of the above stuff to NA, did not show up in the edited version.

In my sister's email, she made a very brief comment about the movie, in small type, and then she added the Charles Schultz quote, in larger, bold type.

After I had posted, I went back to her email to move it into my "sister" folder. It was then that I realized that I had not even noticed her one-sentence statement about the movie, but only saw the bold quote by charles schulze.

Again, this was all while I was multitasking emails, PMs, inflamatory posts from several people, and computer/internet problems, as well as going back and forth from the computer to dealing with today's real-life issues.

So, anyway, Mama Shine, you asked if I am OK.....

Yeah, I'm just dandy. Thanks for asking.




------------


I hope that some of you are having nice giggles at my expense.
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4568
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 4:41 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Mama, over in your Pond, you said:

Go ahead and jump on me for no
damn reason



I didn't "jump on" you.

I did ask you a direct and honest question, and for a very good reason, which you AGAIN chose to ignore.

As for trying to "intimidate you off your "Pond" thread".....yeah, right. That is the history of my style of posting here on this board, isn't it; intimidate, intimidate, intimidate.

NOT.



AND, If the "BA" were to do the right thing, he/she would VERIFY for any here who think otherwise, that I have never used multiple handles.

But I have a STRONG suspicion that you, and most people here on the board, are WELL aware of that.




You also said in the Pond:


I'll stand my ground here and thats all there is to it."


Yeah, but will you stand up for what's right?

Various people have been trying to intimidate and bully me off this board since day one......because I am REAL, and only ONE "persona", and I don't play all the sock puppet games.

Have you stood up for me against that?



All that's necessary for evil to triumph, is for good men to do nothing.


------------




To everyone here and nobody in particular.....



On another thread a while back a "certain sock puppet", with a very distinctive writing style and "way with words", said the following:


I'm all for intentional trolling. In my view, it is an under-appreciated art. I have been known to create false profiles on various message boards, posing for example as a fifty-year-old lesbian on the PETA.org site for laughs, but more importantly to test their opinions by helping them better formulate them.



I was almost at the point of finally giving up on anything "real" happening here, after reading that post, especially given that it was by that specific poster.



But then, the past few days happened.


As a result of what has taken place over the recent past here, and especially what was said in the "board" area about multiple "aliases" being OK, I will now be suspect of all posters, EVEN posts under Whitley Strieber's handle.

Because of all this game-playing crap, and permission to troll and sock puppet, even if a genuine poster came along, I would not recognize them.

Unlike STOOPID me, any other genuine poster would not stick around long.....



I referred to this thread as "Lessons from Unexpected Places" because it was at a time when I was being (for the millionth time) TROLLED here on the board, and even in that treatment, I was learning lessons.

I think I finally see. I think I finally get it..


And I won't back down, either.

So, even though the people who initially brought me to this board were NOT REAL, I still found many answers to my own puzzle, things I just barely had an inkling of before.


Regardless of the mind control tactics of trying to put me in a "no win" situation, by destroying any remaining illusion I had of there being any REAL PEOPLE here, I will not be run off.

Neither will I stoop to the level of the sock puppets and "intentional trolls" who are perfecting their "art".

I will continue to post what I want to, when I want to, in pretty much the same way I always have.

Only now, I will look at it as ONLY a way to pass time, to vent, to "blog", and to PERHAPS post something that MIGHT benefit another questioner someday.
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4570
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 5:29 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

And speaking of more lessons from unexpected places......



In doing a little research on TROLLS, I found a blog entry by Dreamsend. Anybody remember dreamsend?

Now I don't claim to believe that Dreamsend is any more "real" than anybody else out there. Plus the fact that his article could have been written from the perspective of "the perpetrator" of the very thing he writes about.

Since I don't post on any other boards, and rarely read other boards, he could probably be describing what goes on at MOST boards...I don't know.

Nevertheless, his description of the tactics is so DEAD ON a perfect description of what I have now come to understand is going on here, I had to post it.


TAKEDOWN; How to Disrupt Message Boards



"Whether it is paid NSA agents, extremist ideologues, extremist ideologues in the pay of the NSA or just plain internet trolls out for lulz, there are people out there who know this game and how to play it. Here is how it works.

The goal is either to disrupt a particular discussion board or perhaps just a subforum on that board.

The goal might also be to isolate a particular poster and run him or her off the board.

We will call our team of trolls “Maggie and the Moos”.

The Moos might actually be separate individuals or just Maggie posting under different user names.

Maggie’s target is going to be a forum at parawhatsits.com. Her motivation in this case is ideological.

That forum discusses many topics, one of which is granfalloons.

Maggie wants everyone to know that granfalloons are actually part of a conspiracy by the Shriners. Her goal is to run anyone off that discussion board who does not agree. Fun!

First, Maggie sends in the Moos. They register under several user names. They have two goals: to befriend members of the community while not saying anything controversial, and secondly, to datamine anyone who appears to be an obstacle to their evil plan.

Datamining is about finding any personal or other details the poster has revealed in past conversations to use as ammunition in the upcoming flame wars. Have they ever expressed different views about granfalloons? Any personal connections to the Shriners, perhaps a family member in a fez?

Meanwhile, Maggie must register as well, and her posts should also start out uncontroversial. After establishing herself a bit she can then begin her serious trolling.

Now here is the tricky part. Maggie can say all kinds of outrageous things that a reasonable person might see as red flags. Her tone might seem a bit more hostile than an online discussion forum would seem to warrant. But because the Moos come along and already have a reputation as reasonable people and continue to reinforce the idea that those who oppose Maggie are the real trolls, bystanders lose perspective.


Let us remember another powerful weapon of forum disruption, the private message.

Maggie and the Moos will see who is on the fence about her enemies, and provide gentle nudges via PM and complaints to the moderators about the disruptive activities of her targets. (Keep in mind this is a beginner lesson, in advanced trolling, she would BE one of the moderators.)

Another nice touch might be for Maggie to toss in stories of her own personal difficulties to gain further sympathy. Meanwhile, of course, anytime anyone voices any criticism of Maggie, however mild, the Moos are ready to express astonishment that someone would dare question her honor and integrity.

Played correctly, well meaning posters and even reasonable moderators are stymied. To oppose Maggie, who has ingratiated herself with the community, is to cause even further disruption. So Maggie’s target(s) leave the board altogether.

This is not quite enough, however. From time to time, The Moos (not Maggie herself) will need to start a thread or two about how horrible the former posters were and how much they harmed the community and how much better off the place is without them. How dare these Shriner Shills attack our forum family!

At that point, the lesson has been learned. If you don’t think the Shriners run the granfalloon conspiracy, you have no place on this board. Take your fez and funny cars and go play somewhere else.

Well, that is how it works, folks. Over and over again. And in the hands of paid professionals or even serious hobbyists, inexperienced (posters) or forum moderators don’t have a chance.

Oh, and by the way, these tactics work pretty well in the real world, too, where they are called COINTELPRO(**), or at least used to be called that before so much of that activity was outsourced to various cults. Who can resist free labor?




------------------



...........

To plagierize a song....

"Oh, Maggie Moo, Oh, Maggie Moo!"
"In the end, only kindness matters." Unfortunately, it matters to very few.
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4575
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 7:47 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

And the tag team continues.....



in the "pond", AS said:

"I do have considerable telephone crisis counseling experience"

Does that make you special?

I, also, have considerable telephone crisis counseling experience.

I worked the week-end hotline for the local battered women's shelter for almost 4 years. I didn't manage to remain the person chosen to work those week-end shifts for all that time, by being "hysterical".



"and your posts are angry and hysterical"


There is a difference between anger and hysteria, and your attempts to paint me as hysterical, seem almost "hysterical" in themselves.


And, be sure NOT to miss the above post about the Dreamsend blog!!!!
"In the end, only kindness matters." Unfortunately, it matters to very few.
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4576
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 7:52 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

"But the reason I mentioned it was that it reminded ME that I can get too hung-up on defending myself instead of being emotionally "detached" as is recommended by many sages."



Regardless of who's who, and who's real, I must try to remember the good advice, like the above quote, that Victoria has posted to me.

I now have a list of them on my fridge. I will have to re-do the list to add the above to it.
"In the end, only kindness matters." Unfortunately, it matters to very few.
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Roxie
Intermediate Member
Username: roxanne

Post Number: 123
Registered: 2-2009
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 10:12 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

HEY SW! I about jumped out of my skin when I saw you calling my name!!!!

Lots of disrupting stuff going on around me. Feels like my world is falling apart. Haven't had much time or energy to post.

I'll jump back on board when things calm down around me.
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4583
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 12:04 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Anger Control


Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control anger.

Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage", according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger.

Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior.

The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself.

Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance.

They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust.


--------



I have reached a point in the last 10 years, of having very little tolerance for frustration".

However, it is NOT that I think I "shouldn't have to experience frustration, inconvenience or annoyance".

The fact that I have always, in the past, been the "one who could handle it", is why I have been DEPENDED UPON in crises, and relied upon to deal with the most stressful situations calmly and constructively.

At the last job I had, where I worked for 8.5 years, I had what several people, including the boss who hired me, said was THE most stressful job in the company.

There had been, prior to me, a huge turnover rate in the position. NOBODY wanted to do this job. People who had to relieve me for breaks, lunch, vacations or sick leave, absolutely HATED to have to do so.

But I was good at it. And for about the first 1/5 years, I really enjoyed it!


So, handling stress and frustration and conflict was NEVER something I shied away from. I have always been a "peacemaker" and a "problem-solver", even as a kid. Of course, a big part of that is due to the "need to please" stemming from childhood.

But another big part of it truly was a talent and a knack, and seeing difficult situations as a challenge to find a solution where everybody wins.



But in the last 10 or so years, I have become less and less "able" to handle these situations.

Many years ago, they called it "job burnout", and that most definitely WAS the case for me, when I left that job at the end of 2000.

Plus, this was the same year that my mom died, and I cared for her, and went through all the crap I have described with my sister, and Hospice, and other things during that time that I haven't even posted about.

So, at the end of 2000, I was not only suffering from years of "weirdness", and the beginnings of memory recovery, but was also suffering from overload from things like "caregiver burnout" and "volunteer burnout".

I am AWARE that my ability to tolerate frustration and stress has DIMINISHED as I have begun to uncover memories of things that happened to me, beginning even back in the years when I was first seeing counselors in the late 80's and early to mid 90s.

In fact, the ONE therapist who actually tried to help me with these memories, WARNED me that I might get much WORSE and much more depressed and PTSDed if I continued the memory work. She was correct.

After 2001, as I slowly began to learn about the exact NATURE of so many of my memories, and so much of the weirdness, my ability to cope did diminish even more. The more pieces of the puzzle I put together, the more distraught I became.

It really began coming to a head just before I came here to the board, and began putting even more pieces of the puzzle together.

It should not be overlooked that it was WHITLEY'S STORY about "The Boy in the Box" that opened up the floodgates for me. Finally, SOMEBODY ELSE was talking about memories like mine. Things from my memories and nightmares finally had a NAME, and it was much more complicated and mind-boggling than "verbal abuse and neglect" as a child. It was even more complicated than sexual abuse as a child.

Despite the initial trauma brought about by learning "the name" of my "puzzle" by coming here to this board, and despite the ongoing trolling and BS that goes on here, and despite my now-acute rude awakening that message boards are "pretend" for the most part, I still would not change a thing.

I have learned so much, about my own history, about my own character and strengths, as well as my many weaknesses.

I have BEEN ALLOWED to tell my story, and to "GET IT OUT", which, as I have said before, has been immeasurably valuable to me. Despite everything....and regardless of what happens tomorrow, I am GRATEFUL for this forum.

I was brought here for a reason, and even if it was not all INTENDED by others to be for my benefit, it has helped me.

In addition to putting a name to my history, I have had MORE PRACTICE in standing up and telling my truth, right here on this board, than at any other time in my life. I have, as a result of that practice, also been more able to stand up for myself in "real life".


And who knows.....maybe I will take a cue from what others have used this (and other forums) for, and that is to "practice" writing a book!

It matters less and less to me whether anyone reads it. What matters is the getting it out, and the learning that results.
"In the end, only kindness matters." Unfortunately, it matters to very few.
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Buddie
Senior Member
Username: buddie

Post Number: 2910
Registered: 3-2008
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 1:16 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

SW said
" It matters less and less to me whether anyone reads it.
What matters is the getting it out, and the learning that results "

I couldn't agree more .. and I find Whitleys
Site fits all my online needs .. I hope you
are not considering leaving as I would miss
you :-(
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4587
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 1:43 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

That was well-worded!




And you have already seen, after nearly 4 years, that I don't give up and run away with my tail between my legs.

I'll either leave when I am ready, or I'll get banned again, or I'll stay. If I am to believe what I see here, then none of those three possibilities will please everyone.
"In the end, only kindness matters." Unfortunately, it matters to very few.
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Buddie
Senior Member
Username: buddie

Post Number: 2912
Registered: 3-2008
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 2:22 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Neko Case its not that great a video..but
I never saw you post her music before so
maybe check her out..Furnace Room Lullaby
is her first and my fav but thats just Me :-)
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Alen
Advanced Member
Username: slippywhnwet

Post Number: 219
Registered: 4-2010
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 2:55 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

I'm trying to keep a low profile
did you see mine..........
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4589
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 3:13 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Very appropriate selection, regardless of whether you see me, or others here on the board, or both, as the people she is describing.




So many people
live in my town
And mind to my business
but none of their own
They're all so happy
now that I've done wrong
I'm surprised they don't come up and thank me

So if you want moral advice
I suggest you just tuck it all away
'Cause my mood to burn bridges
Not unlike my mood to dig ditches
Don't cross me on neither a day, baby

Don't make mistakes or be human
They savor your every false move
And the fear that they hide
Dams that'll break
If ever confronted with truth

So if you want moral advice
I suggest you just tuck it all away
'Cause my mood to burn bridges
Not unlike my mood to dig ditches
Don't cross me on neither a day, baby

From the well of their hearts springs a poison
That mixed with suspicion
and reckless derision
And something they read
on a church toilet stall
They think that their lives
are much better than mine
On the soapbox and ladders stand tall

So if you want moral advice
I suggest you just tuck it all away
'Cause my mood to burn bridges
My mood to dig ditches
Don't cross me on neither a day

I say those arrows may find me
I hear you right behind me
Don't cross me on neither a day






That's the thing about poetry and lyrics: so often, it's "open to interpretation".

The lyrics to that song, relative to this "situation", definitely fall into that category.


As for bridges burning, if anything I post here on the board causes any "bridges" here to be burned, then they weren't very substantial bridges; and any bridges that burn that easily, certainly are not "bridges over troubled water".


When you're weary
Feelin' small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all
I'm on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled waters,
I will lay me down



Not much room for interpretation on THOSE lyrics, though!


"In the end, only kindness matters." Unfortunately, it matters to very few.
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 372
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 3:48 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

SW ~ I guess I didn't realize that you were kidding about the comment to me regarding "alters." My email security "filters-out" the emoticons, so unless I go to the online UC Board and not just to my email, I don't see the darn things.

So when I posted back, I admit that I was genuinely hurt by your comment... being a wee bit too sensitive about such things, given my concerns regarding my own sister, and I thought you were mad at me. Nor did I scroll the "post-page" back to re-read your post again because I was needing to take an 8-hour nap myself!

And I also admit that it was late and I was VERY tired and in a lot of pain (ouch, ouch, ouch), with no remedy for it but sleep -- fitful, uncomfortable, and not the best quality of rest. So here I am today... somewhat rested and restored, and re-reading the online board... and the misunderstanding that occurred last night, yikes, I goofed! Sorry SW!

So, you are not the only one trying to balance real life, and at the same time trying to delve into and figure-out the perpetual garbage that gets flung at us (you, me, and many other genuinely sensitive seekers -- and excluding those "posers" whose intent is to disrupt, of course).

You're much more experienced here than I, and I'm relatively timid at exposing my thoughts here as I've been slammed before, and it's very intimidating to hold one's ground... as I'm sure you know. But thank you for posting the "puppet socks" and disruptor material that you have, because I've not realized that behavior to be a factor intended to run individuals off the board.

Like you said, real people leave this site because of the "posers" activities... and I think that's really sad, as I want them to stay engaged in the dialog. Still, not everyone intentionally diverts the topic, and might make comments off topic, spontaneously in the course of the conversation... but another person can easily re-focus the topic back when desired.

And, yes, I got your PM this morning... missed it last night. It was an energy-demanding day for me and I was slightly beyond exhausted.

So, SW, are we square??? I hope so!!! :-)
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4590
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 5:11 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Victoria, thanks for telling me that you got my reply to your PM. I hope, if you have not yet decided for sure, that you will consider PMing me again, and answering the question I posed to you in my reply PM.

Your points are all well-made, once again, regarding how easy it can be to "miss stuff" and unintentionally misinterpret things, especially if you can't see icons (which I realize don't always tell the whole story....but a reasonable person can used them wisely and appropriately).

And of course, I cannot deny understanding how real-world distractions and troubles can assist in misunderstandings and missing stuff. It happens to me all the time.


You said:

So, you are not the only one trying to balance real life, and at the same time trying to delve into and figure-out the perpetual garbage that gets flung at us (you, me, and many other genuinely sensitive seekers -- and excluding those "posers" whose intent is to disrupt, of course).



I guess it must seem as though I think I am the only one struggling to balance real life and board life. I really don't mean to come across that way.

And of course, the suggested (by AS) game of "who's got it tougher" is a losing battle, because we all experience our own pain most acutely. And some people deal with it differently than others.

But still, there are some people who cannot/will not comprehend some of the things I post about here, either because it's just too dark, or because of some agenda, whether it' one like Dreamsend described, or just a kind of fear-denial.

And there are always those who are poised, ready to attack at the first sign of vulnerability, in real life, and on message boards.

Like Roxie said......they are always seeking FIRST, their own NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY. And I am too easily baited into feeding them.

Of course, it's less risky for me to stand up for myself here, than in my real life. So, I get my practice here sometimes.



I agree, and have posted so many times that I lost count, about how threads will inevitably get innocently off topic, but it's not that difficult to tell the innocent minor derails from the not-so-innocent.


So, yes, we are "square".

And PLEASE consider recent events when I say this.......but as long as you, and Roxie, and anyone else, are decent and respectful in your replies to my posts, I will continue to view you with respect, even if it is tinged with cautious optimism.

I have always approached posters here as being "genuine" initially, until I saw evidence to the contrary.

But more and more, I have become very jaded, about people in general, and maybe even especially people on this board. I think you have acknowledged several of the reasons why I have become that way.

Finding the Dreamsend blog entry really just put words to something I had already observed repeatedly here over the last 3 years; still, reading what Dreamsend wrote, seeing my hunches over the past 4 years here on the board, verified so completely by his blog, was still a shocker!
"In the end, only kindness matters." Unfortunately, it matters to very few.
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4591
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 5:32 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Victoria, as you might have noticed, I am able, at times, to see the more "philosophical" or "metaphysical" side of things, including all the dark stuff, both in real life, and here on the board.

I tried to go back and find your first post pointing out some of those principles, but I am getting tired now, so I will have to look again later.....unless you want to link to it, or repost it for me.

I would like to take another look at it.

----------


I'm so tired now, and winter seems to have come back again today. Brrrr. I am about to go curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee and a pillow and fuzzy blanket.
"In the end, only kindness matters." Unfortunately, it matters to very few.
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 374
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 6:00 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

I wish I knew which metaphysical/philosophical item you're referring to...was it on this thread or another... was it abut the Ancient Mystery Schools? ~ V
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4592
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 08, 2010 - 8:17 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

WOW!

Now that I look back on my request for you to remind me where the post I was looking for is, I see that it's not wonder you were not sure which one I was referring to. MY BAD! Totally unclear request on my part.


But, still, you figured it out!

Yes, exactly! That's the one.

I found it:

HERE is the link to that post!


I just wanted to remember where it was, so that I could re-read it!
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 375
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Sunday, May 09, 2010 - 12:38 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Whitley talks about focusing our minds on the inner reality, as opposed to the exterior world, and it's very nicely covered in THE KEY audios.

And yes, you're right SW about this series being a "discussion" by Whitley on many such points in The Key, not a reading of the book itself.

I have found that I do have memory of participating in the Ancient Mystery Schools in Egypt, Greece, India, Central America and here in America... When I hear certain sounds, or scents, when I'm studying a text... I will get flashes of memory. Is it soul or genetic memory? Probably both.

But I do think it's retrieving that knowledge... that's what I'm supposed to accomplish. I've been able to connect with some of it, but my life seems to be winding down and I get too distracted by the mundane crises which send me reeling the wrong way. There are Powers (evil angels were called "the Powers" in the Old Testament) who are creating a resistance. Without resistance, there'd be no spiritual growth. The lesson is to stop my focusing on worldly ways and shift them to the inner spiritual path.
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Victoria
Advanced Member
Username: victoria

Post Number: 376
Registered: 8-2006
Posted on Sunday, May 09, 2010 - 12:39 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

SW ~ I sent you a PM... did you get it? It might have been too long... what to do?
Eschew Obfuscation
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Alen
Advanced Member
Username: slippywhnwet

Post Number: 238
Registered: 4-2010
Posted on Sunday, May 09, 2010 - 12:44 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

You are a stupid monkey buying Whitley's books....
Yep, that will make a difference.. Inner knowledge
Good Luck with that..........

I bet you go to church more than a library....

knowledge is more like free....
Oh wait churches are tax free
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

allen
Senior Member
Username: eastsider01

Post Number: 1914
Registered: 4-2005
Posted on Sunday, May 09, 2010 - 12:54 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

evutch, er, I mean Alen are ya having fun?
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4594
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Monday, May 10, 2010 - 10:26 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Victoria, the last PM I got from you was the one asking me to repeat the questions I had.

That PM was sent (according to the time stamp) on 5/8 at 4:39 p.m..

I replied to you with some comments, and repeated my question, on 5/8 at 5:14 p.m..

Did you not get the confirmation message page that says "your message has been sent" after you sent the long PM?

Also, for what it's worth, I have my board preferences set to send me copies of any PM I send. It has come in handy more than one time, including in order to re-send my question to you without having to re-type.
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4595
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Monday, May 10, 2010 - 11:02 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

There are Powers (evil angels were called "the Powers" in the Old Testament) who are
creating a resistance. Without resistance, there'd be no spiritual growth.


I understand and agree that resistance CAN promote growth.

I also KNOW that HUMANS provide plenty of that "resistance", without any help from any evil angels or any other power.

I'm not saying that I don't believe humans can do harm BECAUSE of influence from evil entities. However, I don't think that all harm (resistance) caused by humans is the result of evil entities. I think that humans are capable of that all by themselves, and I think the potential for evil is just as "innate" in the human psyche, as is the potential for "good. I think we were designed with the potential for either one.

But if a man chooses to do evil, then to just automatically assume "the devil made him do it", I think, is giving the man a pass for something that was a choice he made with his free will.

But, that is, of course, just a BELIEF. I have no proof one way or the other, for the CAUSE of any of the evil that occurs in this world.




The lesson is to stop my focusing on worldly ways and shift them to the inner spiritual path.


This is something I have been trying to learn how to accomplish most of my adult life. To be IN the world, but not OF the world.

Maybe it's all about my tendency to see things as either black or white.

But I have a really hard time understanding how to deal with the realities of daily living, and make the necessary decisions, etc., that are part of being a living human in the world, and not be focused on those realities.

Detachment is difficult for me.

I know that, theorhetically, I would be better able to make decisions and cope with daily challenges in the world, both big and small, if I could master this detachment.

Maybe, that is the same concept of "Let Go and Let God"?

I think it is the same concept, and it continues to be a lesson I struggle to learn.
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4596
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Monday, May 10, 2010 - 11:14 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for the issue I posted about back in March.

The one specialist that I found back then, who accepts patients who only have Medicare, had originally told me that it would be August before they could see me.

But they put me on a waiting list, and they had a cancellation, so I am going to get the matter checked out. It will involve a biopsy.

Any good thoughts sent my way would be most appreciated.
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

miaree9
Senior Member
Username: miaree9

Post Number: 4227
Registered: 5-2005
Posted on Monday, May 10, 2010 - 11:19 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

SW, you are already in my thoughts and prayers.
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4598
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Monday, May 10, 2010 - 11:29 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Wow, you are quick, as well as sweet, Miaree!


In addition to that issue, I will be having a major upheaval in my physical surroundings for the next 3 days or so.


Trying to BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE.....and reciting The Serenity Prayer over and over....and also reciting what my Mom used to always say, which is:

"Don't worry! The Shield is UP!"


"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

allen
Senior Member
Username: eastsider01

Post Number: 1919
Registered: 4-2005
Posted on Monday, May 10, 2010 - 12:45 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Healing energy going t you SW.
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4602
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Monday, May 10, 2010 - 2:39 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

It is very sweet of you to respond, allen.

Thank you most kindly!
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Second Wind
Senior Member
Username: second_wind

Post Number: 4604
Registered: 4-2007
Posted on Monday, May 10, 2010 - 2:44 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

One of my horoscopes for today:


Nobody said this would be fun -- least of all, that tiny voice at the back of your mind. You don't have to like it. Just get it done.


That is so unbelievably on target, for both the doctor visit, as well as the "other" issue I mentioned.

WHEEEE!!!
"In the end, only kindness matters."
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Sharon2
Senior Member
Username: sharon2468

Post Number: 3222
Registered: 8-2004
Posted on Monday, May 10, 2010 - 3:07 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post

Prayers, strength and comfort!
"Thought is a Creative Force!"